I feel like I have lost my mother. Well of course not really. She is right there in the apartment doing pretty much nothing.

But the mother who gave me grief is no longer here. Just a few years ago she wanted to come over and organize my linen closet. WTF? See I never learned how to properly fold towels and sheets. It just isn't important to me. But this was something that was important to her and she tried her best to get me to care.

Just like she would tell me to stand up straight or to put a little power and lipstick on when I left the house.

Now it is she who doesn't care. She is starting to get bent over and I tell her to stand up straight.

However, I don't need to tell her about powder and lipstick. She does still seem to care about her appearance in public.

Old people fuss about how often they have to go to the doctor but I think they actually like it. They pull it together, put their game face on and tell the doctors they are fine.

Friday I went with them to my mother's cardiologist. She was very withdrawn in the car.

But the minute we got to the doctor's office my mother resurfaced for a while. My father didn't go into the exam room with her, I did. She perked up with nurse and then the nurse practitioner and then the doc. She teases them and they all think she is great and funny. She even made a point to say goodbye to the receptionist.

She was much more up like that when she was living with me. The stimulation was good. But alas they both said they wanted to be together in the apartment. So that is where they are. I just can't get there as often as I would like. And I am not sure if they are getting many visitors. Most of their friends are dead or worse off than them. My cousins are busy with their own lives and just can't seem to get there.

But when I do go I find I need to organize her linen closet. My father doesn't have a clue and she doesn't care.

It is sad. Boy I am feeling sad today.

And so it goes.

Labels: parents

I am feeling despair today about my charming and bright youngest son. I was rereading one of my many books on ADHD and boy does he fit so much of it to a T particularly the difficulty with school. While I agree he probably should come out of GT classes it makes me sad. I have sat in enough classrooms to see the difference between regular academic and GT classes. Eli is in regular math and science and when I sat in his 8th grade science class during American Education Week the difference was apparent. Not that they are better kids but they are more compliant and just get the work done.

Kids like Henry who are bright off the charts but have behavior issues get pushed out of these high achieving classes because the teachers can't handle it and the other students have less patience.

Now he has dropped band in favor of chorus because he says he doesn't like the clarinet.

He was recommended and tried out for GT art. I don't know if he made it but he needs to have something other than video games that he is successful at.

I took Eli to school early today because he wanted to be ready for his oral history project presentation that included video and a powerpoint presentation. He spent hours and hours on this. He cares about his grade. He wanted me to stay and see it so I did. I looked around the room and recognized almost half the class. Kids he went to elementary school with. Good kids. Decent kids.

I know I am not supposed to compare but it is hard. Eli is in GT social studies and english not becuase he is exceptionally bright. He is bright but not exceptional. It is because he is neurotic like me. He wants to do well and get good grades and puts in the effort.

I want Henry to care. I want him to succeed. I just feel sad today for him.

He is home sick. Not sick enough to be in bed so of course I will fight with him all day to stay off the computer and the playstation.

Next year I hope the courses are easier for him to manage. I hope he excels and maybe can be reaccelerated to be in classes with kids with similar potential.

I know average isn't bad. Hell I am average. I just want ....

And so it goes.

So I arranged for a visiting podiatrist to see my mother. She has terrible feet and legs and cutting her toenails was one thing I just wasn't going to do.

I told my father ahead of time that medicare would pay for the evaluation and that their insurance (really good) would pay for any future visits.

So what does he do? He checks off diabetes so it can be covered and had the doctor order special diabetic shoes for my mother. ack.

I told him to call and tell the podiatrist he made a mistake.

Sheesh. They get all their services for free. The one time I am not there when a visiting health care person is there.

And so it goes.

I can't stand it when my kids lie. They know that.

I just got a call from the gym teacher of all people. Henry didn't hand in his homework. GYM HOMEWORK???????????? I checked his agenda last night and it was scratched out. He said he did it and put it on the laundry table as he was told. I found an uncompleted sheet but he said that was the original that he found and that he did the second one. He was sent to his locker to get it but he couldn't find it. OH, it was there he just didn't do it.

And he doesn't have a gym shirt. I asked him about the one he left on the stair and he said he didn't need it.

So I am picking him up today and taking with me to do errands so he can't fight with me to get on electronics.

I wish I could get through to him. This is more than just being disorganized.

Labels: henry

Guess this is my day to finally think about my medical issues instead of my mom's.

For over a week I have felt like I had burnt my tongue and it is not going away.

Thanks to the power of the internet, I googled burnt tongue symptoms and voila there IS a syndrome! Seems like it can have many causes ... two of which I have big time. Perimenopause and upset stomach. When I am stressed like I have been, I get sour stomach. And of course I have a hiatal hernia and reflux.

I am relieved it is that but it is annoying.

And so it goes.

This is one of those morning where remorse starts to build when I open my eyes and will haunt me the rest of the day. I was a horrid mother and actually human being last night.

My perimenopause has brought me unending, gushing, weakening bleeding for over a week now. I finally filled and starting taking a prescription of progesterone. I couldn't go on this way basically unable to leave the house. But boy I am so sensitive to anything I put in my body but particularly hormones.

It started yesterday morning when I wanted to throw the kids computer out the window. Eli needs to finish his movie for his oral history project. He interviewed my father. First we couldn't get it from the camera to their new computer that is supposed to be one that is made for media. So I put the video on my computer that has a firewire port. Then we couldn't email it to their computer. I don't have a DVD burner. So finally yesterday when I was already feeling wonky, I did realize I could just put it in a shared folder and pickup it up on their computer via our network.

Then I spent a good amount of time trying to get Windows Movie Maker to work. To no avail.

When Eli got home I was already spinning because I found a paper that said the presentation was due in two days. Or so I thought. So I was trying to help him edit the interview which is 22 minutes long down to the required 3-5 minutes. That's my job right? Make sure he does his homework.

Well we couldnt' get it to work. And I don't know. I felt like I was goign to jump out of my skin. I didn't want to hit but I did want to yell, slam doors and break things. It was awful.

I finally apologized to the kids and went to bed at about 7pm. I wasn't fit company for anyone. It was like PMS times 1,000.

Finally I felt better and we all watched a taped Lost in my room.

I did wake up this morning with that terrible hole in my stomach. Feeling awful. Feeling childish. Feeling like I modeled the same behavior that I am trying to teach them not to exhibit.

I told them the good news I only have 8 more days on the progesterone.

Henry said ... great ... and I am with you this weekend. Then they both kissed me and left for school.

And so it goes

Labels: medical mish mosh

As I bought my perennials and vegetables this past weekend I noticed that the prices have gone up a good bit since last year. I was complaining to a guy who works at the garden center and he said that part of it is that the cost of the plastic containers which are made with petroleum has gone up as well as the freight charges.

This got me thinking as I dumped non-recyclable container after container into the trash.

How stupid is this? Adding to the trash stream as I tend to mother earth.

Is this a good new product that someone should invent? These things do not need to be grown in plastic ... cardboard or those moss things are just as good. Isn't anyone thinking about this?

I feel sick about it and vow next year to find a place who does just this. Now of course I tried to start everything by seed last year and it was a monumental failure. Maybe a greenhouse is in my future instead of adding to the greenhouse effect.

And so it goes.

Labels: miscellany

Breast cancer linked to chemicals

Labels: miscellany

I have to say that the last two days my mother hasn't seemed as happy as she was when she was here. She doesn't look as good either. I know she wanted to be with my father. At least that is what she was fixated on while she was here recuperating. But I am not sure she is eating as well. My father cooks but I think she enjoyed my food better. He says she is not eating that much which is why I say this.

My worry that she is not getting much stimulation and while my father caters to her he also gets very frustrated with her.

When we had the power struggle over who was going to help my mother with the shower as usual she took his side. But she did seem frustrated with him afterwards. It is funny, for years now she has been saying how my father picked on her. Then when she was here all I heard over and over and over again what a wonderful man and husband he is. Who knows what the truth is with her dementia and honestly both are true.

I really need a day off. From caretaking. I know it hasn't been that long but since I do the majority of caretaking of the kids even when they are ostensibly at Missy's, I am craving a day in bed watching movies. But my boss is getting frustrated at me not working. I just need to have an emotional rest.

Tomorrow would be great. It is mother's day. I don't have the kids. I think Mother's Day is stupid. But I asked Missy and I got the kids for lunchtime and we are going to my parents. ack.
And so it goes.

Labels: ents, parents

My newest thing is realizing there are such things as new normals. That we get used to things pretty quickly and accept them. I know I did it accepting my, um, bladder issues for years until I got the surgery to pull the sucker back up. It just felt normal to wear a pad all the time. TMI. sorry.

And now at night I am finding I wake up and wonder if my mother is okay downstairs. I often also forget whether the kids are hear or not.

The most worrisome for me is that I think I have been accepting the fighting between the kids and mood swings of Henry and other stuff that if I think about it, it is not normal. Beyond the norm. I know kids fight and I know kids especially teens and tweens have mood swings. But what goes on here is off the scale.

And now my latest is that my father and I fight and then it is over. I am getting used to it.

Today I went over to give my mother a shower. I arranged for a tub transfer chair, bought the hand held shower head and suggested taking the glass doors off the shower because it wouldn't work with them. I bought a shower curtain and pole. But instead of being thanked for all that my father feels out of control and pissed off at me. So instead he has to tell me the same shit over and over again about how to use everything when I friggin suggested and got all of it!

He wouldn't leave us alone int the bathromm and kept coming in and giving instructions. I am not an idiot. I finally said, I know, I can do this! And he said okay, you know everything and huffed out. And I said fine, then you want to do this? And then my mother says please don't yell at him. I said I dont' want him yelling and me and I will not accept it anymore. ugh.

We did pretty well. However, it is a very dangerous operation. Especially since she needs to be cued on everything and forgets what she is supposed to do. I told my father we need a grab bar in the tub and one outside.

He thinks he can do this with her. I don't think he can. He just lets her do stuff that is dangerous because he thinks she knows what she is doing. I barely was able.

The tub has tons of mildew. I asked him if he had something for it or I would get some and he said he has been cleaning the tub for years and he can do it. Well, his idea of clean and mine are very different. All he does is complain about how much he has to do but when I offer to do stuff he gets all huffy and says he can handle it. ahhhhhhhhhhh.

She only needs to shower every 3 days or so so I will try and get it done without him trying to get it done.

I know he is still an incredibly capable person but he has his limits. The other day I saw him pulling her arm to get her out of her recliner instead of putting his hand under her armpit. I told him not to do that. They both could go flying.

Anyhoo, after the shower it was like the fight didn't happen and I didn't feel my blood pressure rising. I am just going to have to put my foot down and do stuff and if he has to blow off steam, so be it.

Oh, and I found two pills on her nightstand when we were getting her dressed. I asked what they were and she said they were her candies. Then I showed my father and he said he didn't know what they were. So when I asked her again she said they are pills she takes every day. They have B on one side and it looks like a ML 25 on the other. I took them with me. My father kept saying they weren't there yesterday. Duh. He didn't know where they came from. So we got my mother to go to the kitchen to find the pill bottle but she couldn't and she got all agitated that we were trying to confuse her.

As we opened drawers my father stood there saying there was no meds in there. I found some in one drawer and there was the percocet sitting out from when she first hurt her back.

I worry. He is not all there sometimes and watching him get up the stairs the other day was scary. He has to pull himself up.

Anyway, adjusting to new normals all over the place.

And so it goes.

Welp, we got my mom to the apartment today. The movers came and got the necessities of her life .... the bed, the TV, her recliner. They also helped reassemble my dining room.

I wouldn't let my father take my mother earlier because I wanted to be there to help her get up the steps to the apartment. Of course somehow they got there before me and my mother was already in the apt. Pissed me off. My father is so fucking stubborn. If you saw how rickety he was you wouldn't want him helping her either. Actually she is better on her feet than he is. I wanted to just leave right then because he was very anxious all morning and then was yelling at me when the movers were here. I had had it. But I recovered.

The movers are russian and very nice and the one guy was here last time. I don't think he quite understood why three weeks later he was moving all this stuff back. But then again with my father all bossy and impossible, maybe he did get it.

My mother was very happy to be home. But she really doesn't have much interest in doing anything around the house. She eventually got her beer and went and sat on the balcony while my father and I put things together.

We got these risers for the bed because it was too low for her to get in and out of. Well they have these twin beds that are like hospital beds where the feet and the head can go up or down. The wheels of the bed fit into these cones that raise the bed and they can't be moved once they are on or they fall off. Since they push the two twins together to make a king (why did they get twin beds I don't know), it was quite the show with my father and I on the floor trying to get the risers on and then push the beds together. But we perserved because my mother really wanted to be able to snuggle with her Henry tonight. awwwwwwwww.

My father had to do everything quick and right then and I was really worried about him. I finally said I was taking a break hoping he would take a break. He didn't and then I was trying to make the bed and wouldnt' leave me alone so I said ... I am leaving if you don't let me just make this bed.

The linens were filthy and he didn't know where fresh ones were. He thought they were in the cedar chest which is locked and they can't find the key. Well. I found them in the .... linen closet!

Amazing how men of his generation just never did or know about certain things.

OMG, as I was putting my moms clothes away I was looking in the closets. There is SO much shit in there. So many chotchkes. I am going to take shit out of there every day without them knowing.

And the tub is pretty disgusting. It has mildew. I guess I need to scrub it but the last time I used some heavy duty cleaner I almost passed out. I have used non-toxic stuff for years. Before it was au courant ... natch. But I don't think that stuff does the trick for really tough things. Oh well, that will be another day.

The PT was coming after I left and she was going to discharge my mother. And the OT is coming tomorrow and will probably do the same. And the nurse discharged her already.

Other than cleaning, I think they might get away without hiring help for now.

My father started going off about how much he likes it there, how they can live there for $1,000 a month instead of $6,000 at the assisted living place. And again it is all about the fucking food. Same as 10 years ago when they were talking about Oakcrest. How they like to do takeout or go to the VFW and if they are paying for it ... they won't do it. I said, you can still go out to eat but he sees it as he is paying $1,000 a week for food. He just doesn't get it. There are a few other services/benefits to the assisted living but yes ... it is pricey. And this was the cheapest I could find!

When he was going off I didn't mention how just a few months ago he was saying he didn't think he could keep up with doing everything. And that was when I offered for them to move in here and he was thinking about it. That was until he realized (and so did I) that we can't live under the same roof. Never could, really. I guess compared to being in assisted living or coming over here everyday to my horrible house with its myriad of problems, him doing everything in the apartment doesn't seem so bad.

So for now we will see. I am going over there tomorrow morning after I take the dogs for their day at the friggin spa. I will try and give my mom a shower. We have made a number of accomdations in the bathroom.

I kind of miss my mom being here. It is amazing how we adjust to new normals so quickly.

I would put her to bed and kiss her farhead and said ... luv you mommy. And she would say ... love you to sweetie.

It was nice.

And so it goes.

Labels: henry

I was watching the View yesterday and Goldie Hawn was on. She has started a new institute using mindfulness in schools. It was a lightbulb moment for me.

Maybe instead of doing more drugs and/or therapy with henry, I need to try alternative holistic medicine types of things. I usually call all that stuff hoodoo voodoo.

But maybe breathing, meditation and yoga might help him focus and stabilize his moods. And it couldnt' hurt me either. So this will be my summer project. I already googled it and found a number of resources for children.

Thank you Goldie!

Labels: henry

I sleep in this morning, well that means getting out of bed at 7:30, since the kids were not here. I told my mother to sleep in too but I heard her up at 7.

When I came down she was dressed including having her bra with the fake boob on. She had even gotten her support hose on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't believe it. Maybe they will be able to stay in the apartment for a while.

I will tell my dad but I need to reiterate that there are good days and bad days. He doesn't understand how one day she can be great and the next totally out of it.

I do worry about the level of stimulation. Here she interacts with the cats and dogs. My terrier, Pirate, is always with her. She is sitting by my front window and gets to see a little bit of life go by. Like the psycho dyko next door who takes her dog back and forth to the neighbor on the other side of me all day long for doggie playdates.

I have my computer facing the window on the first floor which is pretty much ground level. So I look out also. EVERY friggin time Jan goes by she looks in at me. And sometimes she just wants to go and pet the stupid yellow lab puppy so she walks across my lawn right in front of my window. ack.

Anyway, like I said I am going to try and go to the apt every day. And I will try and get my father to get friends and family to visit. Just them there with his controlling nature ... I worry. But I also know they will be happy to get back into their routine.

And so it goes.

Labels: parents

Last night my mom and I had dinner, just us. Kids were with Missy and my father had left.

One of the gifts of this health and housing crisis is that I have had conversations with my mother. I have had more in the last month thanI had in the last 10 years. For some reason she is able to hear me better or maybe I am trying more. Also with her dementia we can have a conversation and five minutes later have the same one again. So we are not running out of things to talk about. I think I had felt like I had lost her a long time ago and now I feel like we do have a relationship again. A blessing.

So whenever it is just us at dinner the conversation always goes to a certain subject ... she talks to me about her sex life. Yes at 88 and 86 they still do it. I have known for years and she is usually quite graphic like how her hips give out so she needs a pillow. ick.

Now it goes from my father wants it but she could take it or leave it. To last night where she says she wants it more than my father. It sometimes even changes during the meal.

She is consistent in that it is always up to her and my father doesn't force her. I guess that is a key to 60 years of marriage. Missy stopped sleeping with me pretty much after our first year together was very cruel with her reasoning.

Anyhoo, at least someone is getting some. I hope they can resume whatever it is they do, if they do and this is not an old memory and I am glad they will not be doing it under my roof as of today.

Labels: parents

andsoitgoestoo: Assisted Living

Welp we went to visit the Presbyterian Home of Maryland yesterday. I asked to drive saying I get carsick which I do but when he drove my mom to the doctor's the other day I vowed I would not ever let me drive me again. He is not awful but it made me nervous just the same. I have managed to not let him drive the kids in the last year or so but I do worry about other drivers on the road. This is a big issue for seniors in general ... giving up driving. I see a Buick LeSabre in my life sooner than later.

Anyhoo, my father was anxious which translates into criticism so of course I took the wrong route and parked in the wrong spot. oh well.

We were greeted by the development director because the admissions person was at a conference and the exec director was dealing with a surprise inspection by the health department. She kept apologizing that she didn't really know anything and while I assured her it was okay, she really didn't know much.

Throughout this process I have been astounded that people who work with the elderly who often have hearing and cognition problems, do not speak so they can hear them. I am fortunate that my mother pretty much understands me. I don't have a high pitched voice which is hard for both my parents to hear and many women who work in the health professions have. I have learned to ask people to address my mother and/or father instead of me because it really pisses my mother off. However, she never understands them and I have to restate everything.

The place is okay. Nothing fancy and it is not new. It is small ... only 98 residents of which they have 22 nursing home beds. They are a skilled nursing facility which means they provide lifetime care. That is a plus because some of these like College Manor right down the street from me is not and when someone needs skilled nursing they have to go somewhere else.

There are no apartments, only rooms. But you can get a suite which is two rooms and one can be a sitting room and one can be a bedroom. A few people allowed us into their suites for us to see. Again, nothing fancy but they have their own stuff around. The suite costs $5700 a month. That includes 3 meals a day and pretty much everything else. Unlike most of these CCRC's (continuing care retirement communities) they do not charge for every little thing. They even take you to doctor's appointments for no charge.

There is a kitchen on each floor. Well a microwave and refrigerator. They serve continental breakfast in there if you don't want to go to the dining room. They also will serve your meals in your room. Of all the places this does seem the most homey and accomodating.

My mother really had no idea most of the time why we were there. Some people were very active. The tour guide said one woman even works part time in a real estate office. Others in wheelchairs were very out of it and I think that freaked my parents out.

So it is an option and relatively affordable. If one goes in to the nursing unit or both the costs really jump up but we would have to pay that wherever they went.

So we left and decided to get lunch. They decided they wanted crab cakes. I jumped on 83 to get up to Padona Road because I avoid York Road at all costs. Of course I got criticized ... why did I have to go that far. I went to a seafood place that is next to a liquor store. We were out of beer.

By this time my father's anxiety level was ratcheting up. I understand he feels out of control. By the time we got my mother in the house he was ... it is hard to explain. He talks to himself, he always has, but it is louder when he is in this state. So they sat down at the kitchen table and I proceeded to fry their crabcakes. I don't fry food and I don't eat crabcakes so I really enjoyed the supervision.

My mother said she wanted a beer and my father proceeded to start giving her a hard time. And for the life of me I don't know why he can't talk so she can hear him. It is a passive aggressive thing I think so then she says what did you say and then he gets in her face and yells it. He said that he thought she would give up beer after being in the hospital for so long just like she gave up smoking. She was good natured and said you are kidding, no way. He wasn't. I worry about them being alone and him getting verbally abusive to her.

The other day she started crying and saying how she can't remember things and that gets Dad aggravated.

So I took my crummy pasta salad and ate in my office and they ate in silence.

Afterward he did ask her what she thought and she said she didn't know if she could get used to it and he said he didn't know either.

I remember when Missy and I broke up I suggested building a faux garage and making that an apt for them and they laughed at me. My father has always made me feel like he knows better than anyone else but I am realizing that I know a thing or two. It would be so much easier if they could be here but have their own kitchen. It wouldn't solve my father's critical and sometimes cruel nature but it would be easier on me for sure. Because now I am going to be going there everyday and I have to figure out what in-home services they need and will be willing to accept. Right now I have a call into maintenance at their apt complex to see if they can take off the glass doors so we can use a tub transfer chair.

Does anyone know how to procure cyanide? No, not for my parents. For me. Because I will not put my kids through this. When I get to a certain point, I will be ready to leave. It really helps believing in reincarnation. Next time, I know I am coming back thin and rich. Or maybe that is what I was last time and it didn't make me happy? :)

And so it goes.

Labels: parents

andsoitgoestoo: Going Home

It looks like my mom will be going back to the apt on Wed or Thurs depending on when the movers can get here to move her bed, her TV and her recliner. For about a minute I could see my father thinking maybe we could do it (to save money) but I put the kaibosh on that.

I don't know how they are going to manage. I can barely get my mothers therapeutic stockings on. She can't and I dont' think my father can. She said that is one thing he has refused to do in the past.

I will make meals for them and I want them to get someone in to clean. My cleaning lady went AWOL which is okay since I have no money but I just hate cleaning so no way do I want to take on their apt.

I figure I will go there everyday and we will just take it day by day.

I know I did a good job getting her to this point and whether or not I get the appreciation the little child in me thinks I deserve, I know it.

Labels: parents

I finally got my mother up the stairs on Monday and she took a shower. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She was a bit smelly but nothing that made me gag. I put a plastic lawn chair in the shower stall. I scrubbed her down except for what I refer to down south. She was able to to that thank god. I have gotten used to see her one-breasted self. After 15 years. Anyway, I know she felt a lot better and I felt pretty good about myself and what I can do.

Anyone who has a cyber relationship with me knows I like to write and write often about things. For some reason during this latest crisis I have been unable to write about what is going physically in the house and emotionally in my heart and head.

For the first time in memory I can't put finger to keyboard. Yes, I am tired. While my mom does not require much care, there still is care required ... getting her in and out of bed. Making sure she cleans, making sure she eats, scheduling the PT, OT and home health aide. I am also on pins and needles when my father is here. He walks around looking for things to do to which either ends up with him criticizing me about something or I have to help him do whatever project he wants.

It is taking a toll on me and it has only been two weeks. I feel like a failure. People do this all the time and do it for years at a time.

I do think it is more the emotional toll it is taking on me that makes me so tired. I feel like I am reliving the dynamics of my childhood. See, my parents adopted me when they were 40 and 42. They had been married for 13 years and were already a tight unit. They did not NEED me in they way other couples may. I was a gift for sure but not necessary to complete their family or union.

It was always me against them. I never saw my parents fight. My mother only took up for me against my father once in my life. That was the summer between freshman and sophomore years of college. I came home for the summer and it was not pretty. My father got angry at me because of what he saw as my lazy work ethic. (I was working two jobs, one at a printshop that he got and the owner was an abusive bastard. I finally quit that job to work fulltime at Harborplace which has just opened. In a cheese shop. I loved it and the guys who owned it.)

So he said he wasn't going to pay for college. My mother told him yes he was. Only 19 years to have backup. Not bad.

So yeah I did go back to NYU but recently my father has brought that up again. I think he feels very insecure that he did not get to go to college so he likes to use it as a weapon against people. For me, it was recently how fucked up my life is and how he had wanted me to go to Towson as if that was yet another mistake I made or something. It is complicated to explain. And he constantly tells the kids to take golf lessons or cuts out articles about people who have good paying jobs without going to college. This is after he has given them both substantial college savings accounts. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

And thus I have spent my whole life trying to figure out what will make my father happy and to do it. (for the most part.) And nothing does. I am trying to be mature and not act out like I did when I was 15. For the most part I am succeeding. But you can be sure I haven't left dishes in the sink since he went after me about that right after my mother came here.

I know I shouldn't care but I do. I am getting better though.

The other problem is the evenings with my mother. When it is just us having dinner she says the same thing over and over again. How wonderful a man he is, how she wants to be with him. This isn't fair. I just nod and say soon. She does also go into their sex life a lot but don't worry I won't share that. Suffice it to say, she is graphic.

I just wish either one of them would say thank you or good job once in a while. When I sat them down the other day to say I thought that maybe my mother could go back to the apt for some closure because she is doing well before they move into assisted living ... I said ... well I think the reason you are doing so well is because of all the tender loving care I have been giving you. Dead silence from both of them.

How pathetic am I? I am begging to be appreciated. They think I owe them because of all they have done for me. I do! But ...

And so it goes.