Sunday, May 06, 2007
when writing it down hurts too much
Anyone who has a cyber relationship with me knows I like to write and write often about things. For some reason during this latest crisis I have been unable to write about what is going physically in the house and emotionally in my heart and head.
For the first time in memory I can't put finger to keyboard. Yes, I am tired. While my mom does not require much care, there still is care required ... getting her in and out of bed. Making sure she cleans, making sure she eats, scheduling the PT, OT and home health aide. I am also on pins and needles when my father is here. He walks around looking for things to do to which either ends up with him criticizing me about something or I have to help him do whatever project he wants.
It is taking a toll on me and it has only been two weeks. I feel like a failure. People do this all the time and do it for years at a time.
I do think it is more the emotional toll it is taking on me that makes me so tired. I feel like I am reliving the dynamics of my childhood. See, my parents adopted me when they were 40 and 42. They had been married for 13 years and were already a tight unit. They did not NEED me in they way other couples may. I was a gift for sure but not necessary to complete their family or union.
It was always me against them. I never saw my parents fight. My mother only took up for me against my father once in my life. That was the summer between freshman and sophomore years of college. I came home for the summer and it was not pretty. My father got angry at me because of what he saw as my lazy work ethic. (I was working two jobs, one at a printshop that he got and the owner was an abusive bastard. I finally quit that job to work fulltime at Harborplace which has just opened. In a cheese shop. I loved it and the guys who owned it.)
So he said he wasn't going to pay for college. My mother told him yes he was. Only 19 years to have backup. Not bad.
So yeah I did go back to NYU but recently my father has brought that up again. I think he feels very insecure that he did not get to go to college so he likes to use it as a weapon against people. For me, it was recently how fucked up my life is and how he had wanted me to go to Towson as if that was yet another mistake I made or something. It is complicated to explain. And he constantly tells the kids to take golf lessons or cuts out articles about people who have good paying jobs without going to college. This is after he has given them both substantial college savings accounts. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
And thus I have spent my whole life trying to figure out what will make my father happy and to do it. (for the most part.) And nothing does. I am trying to be mature and not act out like I did when I was 15. For the most part I am succeeding. But you can be sure I haven't left dishes in the sink since he went after me about that right after my mother came here.
I know I shouldn't care but I do. I am getting better though.
The other problem is the evenings with my mother. When it is just us having dinner she says the same thing over and over again. How wonderful a man he is, how she wants to be with him. This isn't fair. I just nod and say soon. She does also go into their sex life a lot but don't worry I won't share that. Suffice it to say, she is graphic.
I just wish either one of them would say thank you or good job once in a while. When I sat them down the other day to say I thought that maybe my mother could go back to the apt for some closure because she is doing well before they move into assisted living ... I said ... well I think the reason you are doing so well is because of all the tender loving care I have been giving you. Dead silence from both of them.
How pathetic am I? I am begging to be appreciated. They think I owe them because of all they have done for me. I do! But ...
And so it goes.
For the first time in memory I can't put finger to keyboard. Yes, I am tired. While my mom does not require much care, there still is care required ... getting her in and out of bed. Making sure she cleans, making sure she eats, scheduling the PT, OT and home health aide. I am also on pins and needles when my father is here. He walks around looking for things to do to which either ends up with him criticizing me about something or I have to help him do whatever project he wants.
It is taking a toll on me and it has only been two weeks. I feel like a failure. People do this all the time and do it for years at a time.
I do think it is more the emotional toll it is taking on me that makes me so tired. I feel like I am reliving the dynamics of my childhood. See, my parents adopted me when they were 40 and 42. They had been married for 13 years and were already a tight unit. They did not NEED me in they way other couples may. I was a gift for sure but not necessary to complete their family or union.
It was always me against them. I never saw my parents fight. My mother only took up for me against my father once in my life. That was the summer between freshman and sophomore years of college. I came home for the summer and it was not pretty. My father got angry at me because of what he saw as my lazy work ethic. (I was working two jobs, one at a printshop that he got and the owner was an abusive bastard. I finally quit that job to work fulltime at Harborplace which has just opened. In a cheese shop. I loved it and the guys who owned it.)
So he said he wasn't going to pay for college. My mother told him yes he was. Only 19 years to have backup. Not bad.
So yeah I did go back to NYU but recently my father has brought that up again. I think he feels very insecure that he did not get to go to college so he likes to use it as a weapon against people. For me, it was recently how fucked up my life is and how he had wanted me to go to Towson as if that was yet another mistake I made or something. It is complicated to explain. And he constantly tells the kids to take golf lessons or cuts out articles about people who have good paying jobs without going to college. This is after he has given them both substantial college savings accounts. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
And thus I have spent my whole life trying to figure out what will make my father happy and to do it. (for the most part.) And nothing does. I am trying to be mature and not act out like I did when I was 15. For the most part I am succeeding. But you can be sure I haven't left dishes in the sink since he went after me about that right after my mother came here.
I know I shouldn't care but I do. I am getting better though.
The other problem is the evenings with my mother. When it is just us having dinner she says the same thing over and over again. How wonderful a man he is, how she wants to be with him. This isn't fair. I just nod and say soon. She does also go into their sex life a lot but don't worry I won't share that. Suffice it to say, she is graphic.
I just wish either one of them would say thank you or good job once in a while. When I sat them down the other day to say I thought that maybe my mother could go back to the apt for some closure because she is doing well before they move into assisted living ... I said ... well I think the reason you are doing so well is because of all the tender loving care I have been giving you. Dead silence from both of them.
How pathetic am I? I am begging to be appreciated. They think I owe them because of all they have done for me. I do! But ...
And so it goes.
