andsoitgoestoo

Let's see. Today has been fun so far.

I met my father at the hospital to help transport my mother to the rehab. They had moved her to a different room last night because she was no longer eligible for the cardiac floor. In doing that she lost one of her hearing aids. Now she can barely hear with two of them. And they cost thousands of dollars!

I get to follow up with risk management on that one.

We had originally ordered a wheelchair van but my father said we could do it. And then of course that I didn't need to come. Well. He just can't and it is just so evident that he is failing too but he won't admit it.

I followed my father in my car. I know there are lots of lousy drivers out there who are not 88 but I do hold my breath the whole time especially when he took such a circuitous route.

So this place, Stella Maris, is part of Catholic Charities. I tell you those catholics were really smart. They bought lots of land years and years ago in what is now a very pricey part of the county and they keep putting up facilities. They have a school and residence for troubled kids (Michael mentors a child there), a residence for really emotionally damaged kids, a rehab, independent living for seniors, assisted living, a long term care facility, an alzheimers facility. Yeah they are tending to the needy but it looks to me like they are making a pretty penny on it too.

The place is actually much better than the in-hospital rehab. I had forgotten that that unit is set up for short term stays. Usually two weeks. I felt the first time my mother wasn't quite ready to leave. As I was filling out paperwork that reminded me of settling on a house, the admissions director was upfront about how medicare pays for 20 days and then her insurance kicks in. It seemed much more upfront than the dealings I had with the other rehab.

I guess my father could have done the paperwork that took a half hour after I had to wait 15 minutes for her to finish with someone else but he would have gotten so agitated, not understood it, etc. I am happy to do it. I just wish he would appreciate it....

Anyhoo, while this took up a good part of my Saturday I think she will get better and longer care here.

My mother kept thinking we were just visiting. I had to keep telling her she was staying there for a while until she could walk again. She would then ask if my father was in agreement on this. Like I could make a decision like this without his approval. a hahahahahah

As we were going down the hall to her room, I noticed that a guy was on an elevator with a gurney and talking to another guy and yes, someone was in a bodybag on the gurney. Lovely. The admissions director said that it was a hospice patient.

It is amazing how one minute you are a person and the next you are just something in a bag.

All these old people. In such sorry states of affairs. Nope. I am gonna have a plan. Luckily I believe in reincarnation so when life gets to the point of pure survival ... I am outta here.

And so it goes ...

Okay, be prepared. I am in a whiny mood. Yesterday was my 46th. woo hoo.

First I needed to get the kids to camp. They are with Missy but she said she couldn't do the transporting because of work. Fine. Still don't understand why when I dropped them off on Thursday she was already home. Could she have thought ... hmmm .... I got off early ... I can pick up the kids ... I will call Susan and tell her I can get them. But no. Instead she is home and was planning on coming here at 5:30 to pick them up and pretend she was just coming from work. Whatever.

Welp. I left my lights on so my battery was dead. Great. I called her and then realized she only has a cell phone and I was probably calling her at work. Nope. She was still home. WTF? I didn't ask why she was there but did ask her to take the kids to camp. Fine.

Then I proceeded to wait 3 friggin hours for AAA to come and give me a jump. I hate them. And since I hate my neighbors even more I felt totally trapped. I had asked the psycho dyko once to give me a jump and she said no. She was busy but her gf would be coming home soon and would do it. Which she did but alas I had my keys in the car and after the jump all my doors locked so I had to call AAA anyway to get them to jimmy my window. ack.

The rest of the neighbors, I just leave well enough alone. Eventhough a number of them are teachers and were home.

So I waited and waited. I wanted to go visit my mother in the hospital in the morning and get that over with but I didn't get there until about Noon.

When I walked in she was trying to get out of bed into the bathroom and she said she was so glad to see me. Why she doesn't friggin call the nurse???????????? She had already peed on the floor and I got her to the bathroom but boy she was not moving fast and in a lot of pain.

She is not eating much. Would only eat the fruit. As I was trying to cajole her into eating more I asked her if she was ready to go home. She said no. That all she has there is a mean face who doesn't talk so she would rather stay in the hospital. WTF? I said I guess you are referring to Dad and she said yes. I said, well, remember when you were with me when you were recuperating last time and all you said was how you wanted to get home to your Henry and you missed him and how wonderful he was. She said, well, yeah. He has gotten very negative and he picks on me. Um. yeah. What else is new? Of course he is much worse. I can attest to that.

Oy. So my father came in a bit later and said he had gotten a message that she was being discharged. And that he had stopped and asked the nurse and she said yes. It didn't sound right to me. So I went out and yeah she was being discharged from this unit but she was being sent to rehab. Oy. The inhouse rehab unit was full so we had to find another place. She moves today to Stella Maris. Thinking about it, I wasn't that thrilled with the unit at GBMC anyway.

So I left after getting all that arranged. Oh, oh. I forgot the other really nice birthday surprise in the morning. My roof is leaking! When it rains I would hear drips but I checked the skylight in the kids bathroom and it wasn't that. Well, I see now that the door to the attic is wet and stained. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I picked up the kids from camp and they had clearly not given any thought to my birthday other than nice wishes.

So when I got home I felt like I was in the dumpers (hey I said I was going to whine) and basically went to bed.

Now look. I got a number of calls from friends and lovely plant from Troy. They were bright spots. Really. And I may go up to Philly next weekend but ... whiners are not realistic!

Oh. The kids asked if my mother remembered my birthday and I said no and then if my father did and I said yes, eventually.

My father wanted to take me out to dinner at the VFW if I didn't have the kids which I did ... thank god. He totally doesn't get it that when he was so horrible on Fathers Day/his birthday that I was thinking I would never talk to him again. So the fact that I am here and doing all this is more than he could possibly expect but he acts like that fight never happened. I do think he is losing it too.

Anyhoo. The kids did make cards on the computer and brought me a dish of icecream and we watched tv. Whatever. It just seems like I can't catch a break and I am glad yesterday is over with. Nothing like 14 hours in bed watching stupid TV to get the poor me's out of your system.

Oh, one thing. I am watching the weirdest show on HBO called John from Cincinatti. I would love to discuss it with someone because I can't figure it out at all.

And so it goes ...

I finally got to the hospital yesterday around 5 pm to see my mom. Oh, yes, she was admitted. When I got to her room she was yelling that she needed help. Freaked me out. She needed a bedpan. So I found what I thought was one but noticed she had a urine bag. She said she had to poop. Okay.

Both her legs were bandaged. Of course I hurt them trying to get the bedpan under her but I guess I was successful.

She was in bad shape. She said she woke up and was screaming for my father because she didn't remember she was in the hospital.

She didn't know anything so I went and talked to the nurse. She didn't know anything. hah. I know she had a doppler of her leg and that they were going to address her back and that she probably had another fracture.

I didn't stay long since I didn't have lunch and was emotionally exhausted after my onc appt.

I guess I will call her doctor today to find out what is going on. This is just like last time. I have no idea what they are thinking is going on.

I told my father that, yes, it looks like they need to move, but that they will need my help and I will be down for about a month after my surgery so they shouldn't make any commitments until I can help them.

ack.

And so it goes.

Susan

Welp. I met with Dr. Abbas, the gynecological oncologist, yesterday. My friend Cathy went with me. She even canceled a beach trip to go with me!

I was told by the secretary at my gyn to be prepared to wait and she was right. Well, looking back, it was 2 hours all told but it sure seemed endless.

We finally got moved from the packed waiting room to the doc's office. As we sat there waiting for him, Cathy said how unfair this must be for someone who really is dying and time if so precious. We got a good, sick laugh out of this.

We had plenty of time to look at his myriad of diplomas and certifications as well as the chachkas. It seemed he has an odd sense of humor. I noticed a closet was slightly ajar and I saw what looked like poster of maybe Motley Crue or something so I opened the door and it was the Pussycat Dolls! hah.

He finally came in and I liked him a lot. Although he didn't have a clue why I was there. I told him he was going to be at my surgery on the 30th.

He really didn't have much more information. Other than the fact that I would be intubated. I didn't like the fact that the anesthesiologist told me I stopped breathing four times during the ablation so I was happy about that.

I did ask about whether I should have my ovaries removed. He said it was up to me and that there are pros and cons to both and he has no set opinion.

Then I went in to have him look up my hoo hoo. When he came into the exam room after another half hour of my laying there in all my glory ... he said he was thinking about it and he thinks I should have the ovaries removed. That the ovaries produce estrogen which is what is thought a cause of the cancer and that if there were any radical cells left, that wouldn't be good. And that if I did have terrible menopause symptoms, he would have no problem giving me estrogen. That seems counterintuitive but I sort of get it.

I guess I will but I am not ready to say it.

Oh, he also wants me to get a colonoscopy. Oy.

And so it goes ...


There was a closet wiht

Last week when my mom was at the doctor, I suggested that she get some more PT as her mobility seems to be getting worse.

Yesterday my father left a message that they didn't go to the PT appt because my mother had fallen the day before. WTF? They had gone to a family party (which I opted out of). I asked my father how she fell and he said ... she just fell. Ugh. Kind of defensive. I said well, um, how about where? He said as she was getting out of the car back at the apt. And it wasn't her back, it was her leg. It was black and blue and they were icing it.

Okay. Let's see. They are both on coumidin and all I hear about that stuff is that it is dangerous if you fall because it prevents clotting. They know this. So I said he should call the doctor. You think? They wanted her to get an xray to see if she was bleeding but my father didn't think he could get her out of the apt. Does this sound familiar? And if they call an ambulance, they get taken to any hospital not the revered (by them, not me) GBMC. That is why we got a private ambulance last time to the tune of $400.

Well they sent someone with a portable xray. Haven't heard anything back yet.

My father was supposed to go to the VA for an appt. this morning but he just called and said that she still wasn't out of bed. She was awake but didn't feel like getting up so he wasn't going to the appt. I had planned to go over and be with her when he was at the VA.

Last week they went to another CCRC (continuing care retirement community) and my father said he was thinking they might move there. In a couple of months. I just can't see it. I can't see them packing up that apt. He was happy because it is just as big as their apt so they wouldn't have to get rid of anything. OMG. They have so much shit. All these little ornaments and stuff. They will definately need my help but it is not exactly good timing since I am having surgery on July 30 and will be out of commission for a couple of weeks.

ack.

Thing is she fell both times with my father who is not steady on his feet at all. They really do need care and to stop going places without someone else to help them.

It is a shame that my father thinks I am so horrible and could never live with me. It would be a good solution but it ain't gonna happen.

You know when I went with my mother to the cardiologist he said he thought if my mother was falling that maybe they should take her off the coumidin. He was going to send a note to her PCP. It is a gamble. If they fall, they could bleed to death. If they don't take the stuff, they could have a stroke. Who knows. But since the PCP didn't take her off of it, he must feel the risk of bleeding is less than the risk of a stroke.

And so it goes ....

So Monday I had a cat scan and a chest xray to make sure that the C hadn't spread.

I had a slight reaction to the contrast dye ... my face went red and I had to sneeze which is some sort of symptom. But it went away pretty quickly.

I did get terrible, um, diarhea that night. But I checked and my pee did not glow in the dark!

I haven't heard anything and being the queen of denial, I waited until Friday to call the gyn. I knew she was away this week and figure if the secretary had gotten a really bad report they would have called and since they didn't ...

Well the office was closed so I will wait until Monday to call and find out.

I have an appointment with the oncologist on Wednesday. I am thinking maybe someone should come with me. My friend Lee had offered but she has a meeting she has to attend. I don't want to bother anyone and the secretary in the gyn office said be prepared to wait so that makes me not want to ask anyone. It does make me feel a bit alone. There is no one that ... would of course be there like my parents or a partner.

Oh well.

And so it goes.

It is interesting who and how we touch people's lives.

I called the pediatrician's office the other day to get a refill for Henry's meds. I am friendly with the office manager. Especially since the other parent has been extremely rude to her at times.

She asked how I was and for some reason I am telling everyone about the Big C. It is how I am I guess. And since it does affect the children, I guess I wanted the office to know. She was very nice.

So last night Dr. Brown called to say Jessica had told him and he just wanted to call me. How nice is that? He has been such a support to me as we have traveled the adhd road with Henry and Missy having a completely different take on meds and just about everything.

And so it goes.

Eli had his 8th grade farewell assembly last night. The brass ensemble (which he is in) played and the chorus sang.

I went over to thank his band teacher for a three great years and she says she has to tell me something. That Eli accidentally stepped on someone's trombone and broke it. It was brand new and the father is not happy and to be aware he is a big guy.

Ugh!

Then then endless awarding of merit badges ensued. Okay, certificates. Did I say endless? Yeah, okay the 6 kids who had straight A's for all three years was impressive. And two students got awards for being all around uber great kids. But as I sat there, I got more and more agitated. What about the average kids? Who did well. Tried hard. How are they feeling now? Their names are not being called.

As each of the what, 9 homerooms?, got up to walk across the stage, the woman next to me commented on how large the classes were. She said she just retired from teaching after 38 years and was going to Alaska next week. Good for her! The next class that came up was very small. Maybe 12 kids. So I tell her that it is a special ed class. The boy I have observed who has autism is next to receive his certificate. I say, come on, you can do it. He does and we both clap really hard.

But that was really the only moving thing in the evening. I know, I am jaded. I hate these public spectacles. Since Missy was bringing Eli home, I left a little early after he walked across the stage. Near the door, I say to a few teachers ... where is the award for ... getting my ass on the school bus everyday. Because for some kids that is an achievement. Just showing up.

And so it goes ....

Labels: kids

huh?

thank god I have friends.

I told my parents today about the BIG C. My father didn't say anything and my mother asked a few questions like where and when I was having the surgery. And then asked again because her short term memory is gone. I answered again of course. At least someone had said something. :)

But no hugs, no tears, no nothing. No how are you? How are you feeling? Are you scared?

They are so funny. I felt like saying, hey Dad, remember when you got the dx of the prostate cancer? And passed out in the doctor's office? And I had to go get mom at the ER and take her back to her car because she went with you in the ambulance? Hmmmmmmm. I was home alone when the doc called.

I remember when Henry was born and was in the NICU and I was on the phone with my friend Edie telling her that Henry might die and crying and just feeling depleted. Missy was at the hospital and I had come home for a shower. My mother was here watching Eli. She just sat in the chair and watched me falling apart on the phone. She didn't get up and hug me or anything.

ahhhhhhhhhhh.

And just a few years ago after we had had a nice Easter dinner my father told me they were selling their silver tableware. How I wouldn't take care of it.

It really rocked my world. Not that I needed it or wanted it but it was clearly one of the few things of value that I thought would be handed down to me. It was like ... you can't even take care of what you have. It had nothing to do with them needing the money. They totally didn't get how that could have upset me.

I got up from the table and started the dishes and cried the whole time I was doing the dishes. I heard my father say ... I knew that was coming. He meant my reaction. My mother said yes. And then she went and sat at the kitchen table and watched me clean up crying the whole time. My father just got up and went in the living room. Nothing else was said. No... we are sorry if that hurt your feelings.

No wonder I am as screwed up as I am. Feelings were not something that was shared or supported.

Oh well. I am overwhelmed with love and support from my friends. Maybe this is why I have put so much into friendships over the years. To me they are family. Family of choice. Some of my friends disagree. They see blood and legal ties as something above what I consider life-long connections. I have been hurt by this. But it is how I choose to live my life. I won't change even if I am not considered family by them.

Maybe it is being adopted. Maybe it is being a lesbian who for better or worse has made the decision that my children do indeed have another parent. Yes, luckily, we were able to make that legal, but even if we hadn't ... it wouldn't have changed my values and morals.

Family is chosen. You can choose to not be family with someone who is blood/legally tied to you. Why can't you do the opposite and say I have a commitment to this person for life. They are family.

I am truly blessed. I do have family.

And so it goes.

I have been thinking lately how I no longer have a mommy. I have become the parent to my mother and somewhat to my father.

And now with the BIG C, I really realize how I no longer have someone who can comfort me in a way only a mother can do. I need to be strong for them and my kids so no one needs to worry.

It is what we do when we are adults.

We also lose our parents. The cycle of life. I have lots of friends who have lost their mothers to death. It is incredibly painful. But my mother is still around but unable to comfort or at least I don't think she can.

It is a transition that everyone goes through. And may be worse if you haven't resolved feelings. My father ... another long story. But as a child my mother was nurturing and loving and I learned a lot about how I want to parent my children from her.

She was far from perfect. I do have resentments about how she always took my fathers side and I feel abandoned me at times. But that mishegoss is not what I am focusing on now.

It is more like I want someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright. Actually that is what a significant other is supposed to do at some point and hell ... I never had that even when I supposedly did have a partner.

As Dr. Phil says, everyone needs a soft place to fall.

Not everyone gets one.

And so it goes ...

Welp got the news yesterday. The biopsy they did after the uterine ablation showed stage 1 cancer of my uterus.

My gyn called me and asked if I had folks with me here and I was like no ...

tah dah.

Ack. So they will yank that and some lymph nodes out in the next month or so.

Wow. It really is odd. And I so thankful that I went through with the ablation. I was just talking to the office manager at my gyn telling her that I made the appointments for the cat scan and oncologist. She said she had said to Dr. Taylor that it was really weird how I called and said ... let's do it now. The ablation. It was like I knew. And I did almost chicken out ... weenie that I am. I bled for three weeks straight. Heavy. Big clots. I was very depleted and just didn't want to go through that anymore. The progesterone was not stopping it.

Of course as soon as I made the appointment for the ablation, I stopped bleeding. And then I thought ... wow. Maybe I should just cancel but I said what the hell.

And I am so glad I did.

Haven't told my parents yet. I did tell Missy and she is good in a crisis. And was sweet. She had her gf, Camille, call me. She was an oncology nurse for 20 years and said she never had a patient with uterine cancer so that the surgical cure works.

But how weird is that? It is hard to explain our complicated relationship. They understand better when we are fighting than when we are supportive of one another. I try to tell them that when you love someone for 10 years ... in a way it never goes away. And she knows I would be there for her too. But her crazy gf? Well. Whatever.

Anyhoo. Yesterday I was numb and calling people because that is what I do. Today I find I blew my wad and have no one else to tell. :) So now I am telling the world. hee hee.

I did tell the kids and they didn't see that interested and went back to their respective computer/playstation.

And so it goes ...

I like to think simplistically. Yep. I am a philistine.

But sometimes getting insight into a person's character can come down to one act.

A prime example of that is my neighbor. When I first moved into my neighborhood, I tried to make friends with my neighbors. See this was an existing older neighborhood and a builder bought four vacant lots and built four houses. We were the first to move in. On one side of us there is an existing house and on the other side is the psycho dyko.

So let me focus on the existing house and the two new houses across the street. Us four families started out by doing a good amount of socializing. I am one of those people who wants everyone to like me even if I don't like them. I know. Whatever.

Anyhoo fast forward many years of being dissed and my kids not being treated as well as the other kids from these heterosexual families.

The final straw was when we had a party after the second parent adoption went through for the kids. These people were so freaked by our friends that included two white men with two adopted dark-skinned children. They were rude and ignorant and I finally realized ... hey we don't have to be friends. We can just be neighbors. It is has been much, much more pleasant and my angst is pretty much gone.

Okay, okay. Here is the point. My neighbor across the street who also happened to be Eli's science teacher this year got a truckload of mulch dumped in his driveway the other day. They have been working at it in a sysyphean attempt to get rid of it so they can park their cars in the driveway.

They don't need all of it. They have so much they are mulching the trees on the grounds of the office building next door. Do they ask any neighbors if they would like some? Welp, they certainly didn't ask me and I didn't see any of their best buds out there helping themselves.

As I watch from the window right beyond my computer screen, I get an aha moment. These people truly are different than me and mine in ways much more fundamental than sexuality. I am generous. I like to think I think about how I can help other people or share what I have.

But some people are in their own little world. They don't think beyond the task or the moment.

I am the ultimate cancer. I remember everything ever done to me, good or bad. But I still try and be a good neighbor whenever I can. I can be counted on. I realize not everyone can. Weird.

And so it goes.

Last night I allowed the flood gates to open. There was nothing on TV. I had taped a Lifetime movie for just such an occasion since the stupid Comcast on Demand never seems to work for me at night, like when I need it.

It was about a woman who has a premature baby and then gets cancer and dies. Yeah. I know.

But I think I really needed a good cry. And it was more like wailing. Thank god I had the windows closed and the AC on because my neighbors already think I am a fruitcake.

And what was my main topic ... well it was basically my whole adult life and all the tremendous mistakes I have made and all the lost opportunities I didn't pursue. You know minor stuff like that.

What was weighing heavily on my mind though was the latest issue with Missy and the kids. I know kids are smart and they get stuff we may try to hide from them. But is just hurts me so deeply how they GET that Missy doesn't really parent them. She never has. And now that they are older the lack of being a mature parent affects them in other ways than just not checking to see that they wear a coat to school in winter.

Okay. What specifically am I talking about? Apparently Monday night was a bad night at that house. The kids had been playing soccer outside in the dark I guess a few nights before. They had broken some plants. You know I would be pissed too. But apparently this really ticked off Camille and it got ugly. Eli must have fought back a bit. He says Camille and Missy were ganging up on him. Call him a liar and stuff. Because the kids didn't tell them when it happened. He got very angry and raised his hand and said he felt like slapping Camille. Now Eli is big and Camille is tiny. I said that was not right but Eli says that the look Camille gave him was so full of hatred that he didn't think anyone had ever seen a look like that. Missy told him that he was not going to go on vacation with them and then had him answer a questionnaire about what he was feeling when this happened. It pisses him off that she is treating him like one of her clients at the juvenile detention center. They also said they would have him arrested if he hit Camille. All over plants!

Now I don't condone any of Eli's actions but it has hit a boiling point because Camille is nuts and Missy puts her before the kids. She doesn't treat them in a loving way. And both the kids say that Michel gets away with stuff that they get punished for.

Henry said he doesn't like Camille either. They both have said if it wasn't for Michel, they wouldn't want to be there anymore. But they also go back and forth on whether they even like Michel.

When Eli got home from school yesterday (I now have convinced her to let the kids come her afterschool even if it is her day and she picks them up) he said that Missy was now saying she wasn't going to pay for half of his band camp either. When I asked him about it he went through the whole thing about Monday night again. I asked him if he wanted me to ask Missy to come in when she came to pick them up and we could all talk and he said go ahead and try. I called her and she said no, she was taking care of it. I said well when I have problems with the kids I talk them over with you. But she refused.

I asked Eli if he wanted to stay here and he said well it would start a war so no, he would go there.

He also said how he doesn't understand why Missy puts this stranger that she has only known for three years before them. And also how he now realizes (and Henry has said this too.) that they don't buy it that Didier took Michel away from Camille for no reason and that it was probably because of how she acts. I said well I don't really know Camille and Eli said well you should. How could you let us live with a stranger and I said I didn't have any control over that.

That is one of the things that broke my heart and led to the breakdown last night. I still wonder if telling her to get out was the right thing to do. It ruined me financially. Not that she wasn't already doing that to us. I mean I couldn't take her borderline behavior anymore but now I have put the kids in a bad situation. Maybe it is better that they have here to come home to. If she was here, I would be more miserable than I am and we would be modeling an horrible relationship. I know I am a better parent than I was but I don't know what the answer is. I should have walked when Eli was born. But then I wouldn't have Henry and I can't imagine that.

It is just so hard to explain how she is. How she can turn anything into a problem.

Like this. Eli has a mandatory band camp meeting next Wed. which I knew about. He brought home a flyer that said the $300 was due then. So I gave Missy the flyer and a check for $150. She called me when she got home all incensed because it said deposit. And she wasn't getting into anything that cost more and how Eli and I cooked this up. I tried to tell her that I thought it was the total amount and then I said why don't you call the school tomorrow and ask? That is a perfect example of how she looks at parenting. He is HER kid too. And I had talked to her about this along with all the summer plans. It wasn't a surprise and we didn't cook it up. It is his life and summer plans. ahhhhhhhhhhh.

oh well. it is what it is. and i have to try and be a better parent so that the kids know they have one stable, loving parent. and i need to get healthy because they need me. I always thought hell, if i die, they will have Missy. Now I don't think they would thrive.

I do feel sad because I always felt that my father never loved me or listened to me. And while I had my mother, I always felt the pain of not really having a loving father. And I feel sick that I have perpetuated that onto my kids. It doesn't make me feel better that they see the truth. It makes me sick.

I know she loves them but her love is conditional and not all encompassing and often selfish.

And so it goes.