Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Assisted Living
Welp we went to visit the Presbyterian Home of Maryland yesterday. I asked to drive saying I get carsick which I do but when he drove my mom to the doctor's the other day I vowed I would not ever let me drive me again. He is not awful but it made me nervous just the same. I have managed to not let him drive the kids in the last year or so but I do worry about other drivers on the road. This is a big issue for seniors in general ... giving up driving. I see a Buick LeSabre in my life sooner than later.
Anyhoo, my father was anxious which translates into criticism so of course I took the wrong route and parked in the wrong spot. oh well.
We were greeted by the development director because the admissions person was at a conference and the exec director was dealing with a surprise inspection by the health department. She kept apologizing that she didn't really know anything and while I assured her it was okay, she really didn't know much.
Throughout this process I have been astounded that people who work with the elderly who often have hearing and cognition problems, do not speak so they can hear them. I am fortunate that my mother pretty much understands me. I don't have a high pitched voice which is hard for both my parents to hear and many women who work in the health professions have. I have learned to ask people to address my mother and/or father instead of me because it really pisses my mother off. However, she never understands them and I have to restate everything.
The place is okay. Nothing fancy and it is not new. It is small ... only 98 residents of which they have 22 nursing home beds. They are a skilled nursing facility which means they provide lifetime care. That is a plus because some of these like College Manor right down the street from me is not and when someone needs skilled nursing they have to go somewhere else.
There are no apartments, only rooms. But you can get a suite which is two rooms and one can be a sitting room and one can be a bedroom. A few people allowed us into their suites for us to see. Again, nothing fancy but they have their own stuff around. The suite costs $5700 a month. That includes 3 meals a day and pretty much everything else. Unlike most of these CCRC's (continuing care retirement communities) they do not charge for every little thing. They even take you to doctor's appointments for no charge.
There is a kitchen on each floor. Well a microwave and refrigerator. They serve continental breakfast in there if you don't want to go to the dining room. They also will serve your meals in your room. Of all the places this does seem the most homey and accomodating.
My mother really had no idea most of the time why we were there. Some people were very active. The tour guide said one woman even works part time in a real estate office. Others in wheelchairs were very out of it and I think that freaked my parents out.
So it is an option and relatively affordable. If one goes in to the nursing unit or both the costs really jump up but we would have to pay that wherever they went.
So we left and decided to get lunch. They decided they wanted crab cakes. I jumped on 83 to get up to Padona Road because I avoid York Road at all costs. Of course I got criticized ... why did I have to go that far. I went to a seafood place that is next to a liquor store. We were out of beer.
By this time my father's anxiety level was ratcheting up. I understand he feels out of control. By the time we got my mother in the house he was ... it is hard to explain. He talks to himself, he always has, but it is louder when he is in this state. So they sat down at the kitchen table and I proceeded to fry their crabcakes. I don't fry food and I don't eat crabcakes so I really enjoyed the supervision.
My mother said she wanted a beer and my father proceeded to start giving her a hard time. And for the life of me I don't know why he can't talk so she can hear him. It is a passive aggressive thing I think so then she says what did you say and then he gets in her face and yells it. He said that he thought she would give up beer after being in the hospital for so long just like she gave up smoking. She was good natured and said you are kidding, no way. He wasn't. I worry about them being alone and him getting verbally abusive to her.
The other day she started crying and saying how she can't remember things and that gets Dad aggravated.
So I took my crummy pasta salad and ate in my office and they ate in silence.
Afterward he did ask her what she thought and she said she didn't know if she could get used to it and he said he didn't know either.
I remember when Missy and I broke up I suggested building a faux garage and making that an apt for them and they laughed at me. My father has always made me feel like he knows better than anyone else but I am realizing that I know a thing or two. It would be so much easier if they could be here but have their own kitchen. It wouldn't solve my father's critical and sometimes cruel nature but it would be easier on me for sure. Because now I am going to be going there everyday and I have to figure out what in-home services they need and will be willing to accept. Right now I have a call into maintenance at their apt complex to see if they can take off the glass doors so we can use a tub transfer chair.
Does anyone know how to procure cyanide? No, not for my parents. For me. Because I will not put my kids through this. When I get to a certain point, I will be ready to leave. It really helps believing in reincarnation. Next time, I know I am coming back thin and rich. Or maybe that is what I was last time and it didn't make me happy? :)
And so it goes.
Anyhoo, my father was anxious which translates into criticism so of course I took the wrong route and parked in the wrong spot. oh well.
We were greeted by the development director because the admissions person was at a conference and the exec director was dealing with a surprise inspection by the health department. She kept apologizing that she didn't really know anything and while I assured her it was okay, she really didn't know much.
Throughout this process I have been astounded that people who work with the elderly who often have hearing and cognition problems, do not speak so they can hear them. I am fortunate that my mother pretty much understands me. I don't have a high pitched voice which is hard for both my parents to hear and many women who work in the health professions have. I have learned to ask people to address my mother and/or father instead of me because it really pisses my mother off. However, she never understands them and I have to restate everything.
The place is okay. Nothing fancy and it is not new. It is small ... only 98 residents of which they have 22 nursing home beds. They are a skilled nursing facility which means they provide lifetime care. That is a plus because some of these like College Manor right down the street from me is not and when someone needs skilled nursing they have to go somewhere else.
There are no apartments, only rooms. But you can get a suite which is two rooms and one can be a sitting room and one can be a bedroom. A few people allowed us into their suites for us to see. Again, nothing fancy but they have their own stuff around. The suite costs $5700 a month. That includes 3 meals a day and pretty much everything else. Unlike most of these CCRC's (continuing care retirement communities) they do not charge for every little thing. They even take you to doctor's appointments for no charge.
There is a kitchen on each floor. Well a microwave and refrigerator. They serve continental breakfast in there if you don't want to go to the dining room. They also will serve your meals in your room. Of all the places this does seem the most homey and accomodating.
My mother really had no idea most of the time why we were there. Some people were very active. The tour guide said one woman even works part time in a real estate office. Others in wheelchairs were very out of it and I think that freaked my parents out.
So it is an option and relatively affordable. If one goes in to the nursing unit or both the costs really jump up but we would have to pay that wherever they went.
So we left and decided to get lunch. They decided they wanted crab cakes. I jumped on 83 to get up to Padona Road because I avoid York Road at all costs. Of course I got criticized ... why did I have to go that far. I went to a seafood place that is next to a liquor store. We were out of beer.
By this time my father's anxiety level was ratcheting up. I understand he feels out of control. By the time we got my mother in the house he was ... it is hard to explain. He talks to himself, he always has, but it is louder when he is in this state. So they sat down at the kitchen table and I proceeded to fry their crabcakes. I don't fry food and I don't eat crabcakes so I really enjoyed the supervision.
My mother said she wanted a beer and my father proceeded to start giving her a hard time. And for the life of me I don't know why he can't talk so she can hear him. It is a passive aggressive thing I think so then she says what did you say and then he gets in her face and yells it. He said that he thought she would give up beer after being in the hospital for so long just like she gave up smoking. She was good natured and said you are kidding, no way. He wasn't. I worry about them being alone and him getting verbally abusive to her.
The other day she started crying and saying how she can't remember things and that gets Dad aggravated.
So I took my crummy pasta salad and ate in my office and they ate in silence.
Afterward he did ask her what she thought and she said she didn't know if she could get used to it and he said he didn't know either.
I remember when Missy and I broke up I suggested building a faux garage and making that an apt for them and they laughed at me. My father has always made me feel like he knows better than anyone else but I am realizing that I know a thing or two. It would be so much easier if they could be here but have their own kitchen. It wouldn't solve my father's critical and sometimes cruel nature but it would be easier on me for sure. Because now I am going to be going there everyday and I have to figure out what in-home services they need and will be willing to accept. Right now I have a call into maintenance at their apt complex to see if they can take off the glass doors so we can use a tub transfer chair.
Does anyone know how to procure cyanide? No, not for my parents. For me. Because I will not put my kids through this. When I get to a certain point, I will be ready to leave. It really helps believing in reincarnation. Next time, I know I am coming back thin and rich. Or maybe that is what I was last time and it didn't make me happy? :)
And so it goes.
Labels: parents
