andsoitgoestoo

I have dabbled over the years doing half-assed searches for my biological parents. It is not something I have put much time and effort into. But lately I have been thinking that my fears, specifically my fear of abandonment, is tied to the fact that I am an adoptee.

I have spent years defending myself against friends and acquaintances who think it odd that I had no desire to search. I always said Marge and Henry were enough thank you. But it isn't about that, is it? I have had security and love and yes, even acceptance. What more could I want? Well, maybe there is something to this ... just wanting to know the facts, the situation and more practically, my ethnicity and any health concerns.

So I went to adoption.com last week. I went to register myself and lo and behold I had already done that in 2005! I said I dabbled, right. There is an ad on the site for a search company. I filled out the info and figured no one would actually contact me. Well they did yesterday!

This woman, Dianne, was very nice. Not pushy at all and seemed very upfront. Of course the whole time I was waiting to hear ... how much but I let her do her sales spheel. After my recent attempts at sales, I have much more compassion for people who need to sell someone on a service or product.

So she starts out by telling me that the District of Columbia, which is what is on my birth certificate, is a sealed state (or whatever DC is). That mean the records are closed. There are 45 states that are sealed states.

She asks if I know what hospital I was born in. Apparently the key ingredient. Nope. I do know what agency was involved though. She says that if I didn't have that, she probably wouldn't take on the search. Funny everyone who has questioned why I hadn't searched all these years, I guess didn't know that it ain't easy.

Anyhoo, she says that most birth mothers are between the ages of 14 and 19. Having a maiden name is also helpful. Nope.

She counseled me that it can take up to a year. That while most people have not searched up until now, that once you decide to do it, you want answer immediately and it doesn't work that way.

She also says when they do find the birth mother (I guess mothers are easier than fathers) or a family member , they give me the identifying information. If I don't feel comfortable making the contact, they will do it, it is part of their service.

And then she tells me it is a flat fee because of how long it can take. $1500. I don't think that is too bad. I don't have it now of course but it is one step further.

And one I guess I will be ready to take. Diane was quizzical that I am 45 and never actively searched. I realize that my birth mother may be dead. However, I only have my personal experience to go by and that is that my parents are never going to die. At least that is what Troy says.

Honestly, I have always thought I would search once my parents were gone. I wrote my journalism thesis in college on adoption. I visited an agency, with people who were fighting to open records, and other people. I let my mom read it. To get an A (which I did), I put at the end that this reporter, an adoptee herself, had decided to search after getting all the info. Well that was 1983 and I still haven't. Partly because of how upset my mother got at reading that.

And I have also in the back of my mind worried that I was too fat or because I was a lesbian, that my biological parents would reject me. Remember how Carrie on ER found her bio mom who was a fundamentalist Christian and did just that? Weird how my deep seeded worry came up as a plotline.

So, I will see what I will do when funds become available. I have no idea how I will feel then.

And so it goes ...

I knew it!

Money-Happiness Link Is Complex, Study Says

Researchers Debunk Myth That Money Doesn't Buy Happiness

By MALCOLM RITTER, AP

NEW YORK (Nov. 26) -- Does money buy happiness? It's sometimes said that scientists have found no relationship between money and happiness, but that's a myth, says University of Illinois psychologist Ed Diener. The connection is complex, he says. But in fact, very rich people rate substantially higher in satisfaction with life than very poor people do, even within wealthy nations, he says.

"There is overwhelming evidence that money buys happiness," said economist Andrew Oswald of the University of Warwick in England. The main debate, he said, is how strong the effect is.

Oswald recently reported a study of Britons who won between $2,000 and $250,000 in a lottery. As a group, they showed a boost in happiness averaging a bit more than 1 point on a 36-point scale when surveyed two years after their win, compared to their levels two years before they won.

Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel-Prize winner and Princeton economist, and colleagues recently declared that the notion that making a lot of money will produce good overall mood is "mostly illusory."

They noted that in one study, people with household incomes of $90,000 or more were only slightly more likely to call themselves "very happy" overall than were people from households making $50,000 to $89,999. The rates were 43 percent versus 42 percent, respectively. (Members of the high-income group were almost twice as likely to call themselves "very happy" as people from households with incomes below $20,000.)

But other studies, rather than asking for a summary estimate of happiness, follow people through the day and repeatedly record their feelings. These studies show less effect of income on happiness, Kahneman and colleagues said.

There is still another twist to the money-happiness story. Even though people who make $150,000 are considerably happier than those who make $40,000, it's not clear why, says psychologist Richard E. Lucas of Michigan State University.

Does money make you happier? Or does being happier in the first place allow you to earn more money later, maybe by way of greater creativity or energy? Or does some other factor produce both money and happiness? There's evidence for all three interpretations, Lucas says.

In any case, researchers say any effect of money on happiness is smaller than most daydreamers assume.

"People exaggerate how much happiness is bought by an extra few thousand," Oswald said. "The quality of relationships has a far bigger effect than quite large rises in salary.... It's much better advice, if you're looking for happiness in life, to try to find the right husband or wife rather than trying to double your salary."

11/26/06 12:59 EST

I have been on a listserv for lesbian moms for oh about 8 years now. It is actually a misnomer, as it is for bi, wannabee, transgendered or queer moms.

I love it and hate it. I have learned so much from these various women. I have grown intellectually and emotionally. They were my literal lifeline when I decided to call it quits with Missy. And they just like any family got very frustrated with me when I couldn’t move on.

I have met transgendered people ... women who were errantly born men and vice versa. I met an incredibly wise and tortured intersex woman who died and one of the moms on the list took in her son. I have met a woman whose daughter died after less than a month but handled everything with such grace and courage, that I have learned exactly what grace and courage are.

I have met women who adopt children whose birth mother made grave mistakes due to addiction and whose children pay the price. And they do it without anger and from that that I have learned acceptance.

When I say met, it is mostly on the internet. I have met some in person. That has actually been odd. People are ... more of what they are online ... in person. That is sometimes good and sometimes bad. But it is nothing if not interesting.

I have also learned how to fix a playstation game, figure out what to make for dinner and learn to deal with the fact that I can’t see my teenager naked. You got a question about ... anything ... you ask the moms.

I have had fights with women whom I actually care deeply about. Also a few fights with women whom I think are evil. I have not until now been able to see that this shouldn’t be be any different than real life.

Recently, my sieve which usually has a rather wide weave, has had large holes in it. I have always had the problem of a big mouth. Saying things that I regret. However in cyberspace without the ability to see a face, hear a tone, this problem gets quite exacerbated.

It is a problem I have always had and always will. For the most part my openness and honesty and saying what I think has served me well. A few times it has caused me great grief. I have hurt people and it is one of those things that keep me up at night.

I feel so badly about this last episode on the Moms List that I haven’t even been able to go back and see what I said. Partly because I am afraid I will still think whatever I said, and since I was drummed off the list for being so horrible, this would confirm my darkest fears that I am indeed horrible. But those are my fears. Not being liked. Not being loved. Stuff I am looking at.

Ah well, now I am blogging. I was told I was using the list too much anyway so this is best. Of course I knew at least 20 or 30 people would read what I wrote. Now I have no idea.

I don’t know if I will ever go back to the list. I wasn’t exactly kicked off. There are issues regarding moderation. As much as I know I have said things that have gotten me in trouble, I also have been treated horribly and not been backed up by my so-called friends.

So, it feels like a death. No, not that dramatic. More like a relationship that ends before it is supposed to.

I know I don’t feel safe. Others say I made it that way for them. Probably both are true. Just like much of life. Nothing is black and white.

And so it goes ....

Sheesh, I feel like I have a senior in high school deciding on colleges instead of an 8th grader.

I had been thinking that Carver, a magnet school near here, might be the better choice for Eli. It attracts artsy kids and motivated kids. (well for the academic primes, not the vo tech primes which is part of this story.) Eli is a very old soul. He doesn't take a lot of crap from people and since his people, those in their early teens, are pretty crap-filled, he doesn't have many friends. It has been an on-going worry for me. When we had him seeing a psychiatrist about 4 years ago after he ran away from Missy's and stated some suicide ideation, the psychiatrist was also dumbfounded because he was such a nice, engaging child.

So in my infinite wisdom, I had been thinking this school will offer up more sophisticated kids with whom he can become friends.

When I checked out the curricula, the one prime that seemed to fit him was design and production. Since there is a drama prime, these people build the sets, doing the lighting, etc. Eli is very engineering-minded. He likes to put things together and also like to know how things work.

Well when I approached him about it, he went ballistic. Said he hates theatre. He doesn't really know anything about theatre but he has this idea it is about people standing on stage acting all dramatic. Well, that is not what he would be doing but seeing plays and writing criticism is part of the audition so that was that.

Then he wanted to do carpentry. I talked to the admissions director and she confirmed that this was not an academic prime and since Eli is in GT classes and academically good (wouldn't say gifted), that would nto be the right program for him.

Then he found they have a digital media prime. This interested him but it is a TON of work to put together a portfolio. I had Michael look over the info and he felt that this was not Eli's strong suit. I figured I would leave it up to Eli. If he did the work for the portfolio, then he could try.

Well, providence prevailed and he found out that Carver does not have a music program. He loves playing the Trombone, has joined the brass ensemble which meets afterschool on Tuesdays. He has also joined the bag pipe club on Thursdays. He likes music. (I love my nerd.)

I think this and what happended yesterday has convinced him he wants to go to my district high school, Towson. They have a marching band (did I say nerd?). They came to the middle school and Eli is really psyched about joining this.

Now another issue is that Missy's district school is different. Originally I was pushing for Towson. Then my friend Carolyn told me that Missy's school, Dulaney, has a phenomenal tech ed program. This is what Eli really enjoys too. Ack. And they are a national Blue Ribbon School. Then I was thinking that maybe it would be better for Eli to go to Dulaney because the bus would pick him up and drop him off there.

At this point I have much more flexibility so I could pick up Eli at Missy's. But Eli now wants Towson so we will just have to make it work. I am hoping this will help facilitiate what I want ... them being here mostly during the week.

As we discussed all this at dinner last night, I told the kids that I really want them to be here more. It makes sense, I do all of the afterschool activity schlepping, Missy works at least one night when they are with her. The kids both reacted with ... that is not fair! They are indoctrinated that the time has to be split 50/50.

I need to think more about how they complain about her, the house, Camille but don't want to make any changes. I know in my heart part of it is that they see her love as somewhat conditional and don't want to upset her.

Oh well, at least one decision has been made. I think. It could change tomorrow.

And so it goes ...

Well, I seem to have a lot lately, but the worst is trying to co-parent with my ex.

It just isn't working. I have used the term parallel parenting for years. Since we broke up, there is little that one would call co-parenting. Honestly, there was little co-parenting when we were together. I did it all. And answered for all my apparent transgressions.

Well last week was the one of the hardest I have had to get through in a long time.

I'll go backwards. Friday night about 10:20 Eli calls me from the RAC (middle school teen center) and says that Missy thinks it is 10:30 that she is supposed to pick them up but it was really 10 PM and that if no one gets them now, they will be taken to the police station. I hang up and try and call Missy and a man answers her phone answering with the name of the non-profit she works for. I ask for Missy and he says she doesn't work there anymore. WTF? Now she has no cell phone (it was theirs), no landline and I try Camille's cellphone but she doesn't She gets on the phone and is screaming at me to come get them. I try to explain that they have two moms,. two homes, it is not my night with the kids and she keeps saying ... I don't understand why you don't come and pick up your children. I finally lose it with her.

Jump in the car and go over there. Well, the kids are gone, Missy having picked them up but I talked with the woman who runs the RAC (well she did for years and is transitioning in the new people.) She was great and apologetic. I was so upset I can't remember the name of the woman I spoke to but I fear she is the one who is going to run this. Well it is a co-op and each kid needs to have someone sign up to chaperone. Great. My time is coming. Maybe I can get Missy to do it after three years and me paying the entrance fees for them? hahahahahah.

********

Update: Missy says she didn't lose her job. She turned her phone in and got a new one at work. Thank god. But something is going on because she has been terrible to me lately.

And so it goes.

I had a dinner party for four of my high school friends and their spouses. One spouse was out of town and before I knew that, I invited my gay husband Michael. He has met all of them at various parties I have had and I really didn't want to be dateless yet again.

What a wonderful evening. It is amazing that the five of us have all remained friends. Not day to day friends but ... friends for life kind of friend show have know you since back in the day.

I made chicken cacciatore and more than double than I needed but htat is me. I really thought people would eat more but I overdid the appetizers I guess. But how can you not have appetizers? And we all hung out in the kitchen gnoshing and drinking. I finally didn't make myself too crazy and kept it simple. I am proud of myself.

Four of us were on the newspaper and one was on the yearbook. We all loved high school, were very involved and yet partied with the best of them. I feel so sad when I hear people who hated high school. I don't want to go back and I don't live like I am still in high school. It is just that the time was magical.

Much of the talk was about politics and sex. Back and forth. I think most of range from middle of the road democrat to commie.

How lucky am I to have met this people when I was 15 and now at 45 still count them as treasures.

And so it goes ...

Just tonight my father calls and says his phone is not working. He calls on the cell phone I got him. I am so glad I got that for him but he never uses it. I asked if they paid their bill, kidding and he said they have that automatically debited.

I ask him if he has uplugged everything and replugged it. He says it must be the kitchen phone because that directly affects their other phone. WTF? Well I can't explain to him that a phone is either plugged into the wall or it is not. He calls a couple of more times, asking to try calling his home which I did of course when he got off the phone. It was busy. Then he calls back AGAIN and says he cleaned all places the phone attaches and now it works.

Good. Glad I was here.

Eli came in at 12:30 today after church. (gotta give Missy props for actually getting them both to church today.) He needed to do a project for school. Five years later Missy does not have ink for her printer because she can't afford but actually now it is that she doesn't have a landline nor internet access so Eli needed to do a project for school using the internet. I had mentioned he could come over today but thought a confirming phone call would have been nice. Anyhoo he was here all afternoon. I happened to have powerpoint software which he loaded on the kids computer and he did a great job. Of course when he tried to burn the CD, he was having problems and when I tried to help he had a meltdown but was pissed at me when I said let me try. And of course I got it to work. And told him he needed to thank me and apologize.

Then I get a call from him later after Missy picked him up (something is up with her because honestly I really thought I would have to bring him home because as she has stated ... she is not their chaperone.) Um excuse me but I think that comes second under the parent job description after cook.

Oh, so yeah, he called. He wanted to know if I could look up his english homework because he didn't think he had it right. Sure. Here it is.

I do, I do, I do. Want to be needed. But you know just one day off ... is that too much to ask for?

And so it goes ...