Friday, June 01, 2007
emotions
Last night I allowed the flood gates to open. There was nothing on TV. I had taped a Lifetime movie for just such an occasion since the stupid Comcast on Demand never seems to work for me at night, like when I need it.
It was about a woman who has a premature baby and then gets cancer and dies. Yeah. I know.
But I think I really needed a good cry. And it was more like wailing. Thank god I had the windows closed and the AC on because my neighbors already think I am a fruitcake.
And what was my main topic ... well it was basically my whole adult life and all the tremendous mistakes I have made and all the lost opportunities I didn't pursue. You know minor stuff like that.
What was weighing heavily on my mind though was the latest issue with Missy and the kids. I know kids are smart and they get stuff we may try to hide from them. But is just hurts me so deeply how they GET that Missy doesn't really parent them. She never has. And now that they are older the lack of being a mature parent affects them in other ways than just not checking to see that they wear a coat to school in winter.
Okay. What specifically am I talking about? Apparently Monday night was a bad night at that house. The kids had been playing soccer outside in the dark I guess a few nights before. They had broken some plants. You know I would be pissed too. But apparently this really ticked off Camille and it got ugly. Eli must have fought back a bit. He says Camille and Missy were ganging up on him. Call him a liar and stuff. Because the kids didn't tell them when it happened. He got very angry and raised his hand and said he felt like slapping Camille. Now Eli is big and Camille is tiny. I said that was not right but Eli says that the look Camille gave him was so full of hatred that he didn't think anyone had ever seen a look like that. Missy told him that he was not going to go on vacation with them and then had him answer a questionnaire about what he was feeling when this happened. It pisses him off that she is treating him like one of her clients at the juvenile detention center. They also said they would have him arrested if he hit Camille. All over plants!
Now I don't condone any of Eli's actions but it has hit a boiling point because Camille is nuts and Missy puts her before the kids. She doesn't treat them in a loving way. And both the kids say that Michel gets away with stuff that they get punished for.
Henry said he doesn't like Camille either. They both have said if it wasn't for Michel, they wouldn't want to be there anymore. But they also go back and forth on whether they even like Michel.
When Eli got home from school yesterday (I now have convinced her to let the kids come her afterschool even if it is her day and she picks them up) he said that Missy was now saying she wasn't going to pay for half of his band camp either. When I asked him about it he went through the whole thing about Monday night again. I asked him if he wanted me to ask Missy to come in when she came to pick them up and we could all talk and he said go ahead and try. I called her and she said no, she was taking care of it. I said well when I have problems with the kids I talk them over with you. But she refused.
I asked Eli if he wanted to stay here and he said well it would start a war so no, he would go there.
He also said how he doesn't understand why Missy puts this stranger that she has only known for three years before them. And also how he now realizes (and Henry has said this too.) that they don't buy it that Didier took Michel away from Camille for no reason and that it was probably because of how she acts. I said well I don't really know Camille and Eli said well you should. How could you let us live with a stranger and I said I didn't have any control over that.
That is one of the things that broke my heart and led to the breakdown last night. I still wonder if telling her to get out was the right thing to do. It ruined me financially. Not that she wasn't already doing that to us. I mean I couldn't take her borderline behavior anymore but now I have put the kids in a bad situation. Maybe it is better that they have here to come home to. If she was here, I would be more miserable than I am and we would be modeling an horrible relationship. I know I am a better parent than I was but I don't know what the answer is. I should have walked when Eli was born. But then I wouldn't have Henry and I can't imagine that.
It is just so hard to explain how she is. How she can turn anything into a problem.
Like this. Eli has a mandatory band camp meeting next Wed. which I knew about. He brought home a flyer that said the $300 was due then. So I gave Missy the flyer and a check for $150. She called me when she got home all incensed because it said deposit. And she wasn't getting into anything that cost more and how Eli and I cooked this up. I tried to tell her that I thought it was the total amount and then I said why don't you call the school tomorrow and ask? That is a perfect example of how she looks at parenting. He is HER kid too. And I had talked to her about this along with all the summer plans. It wasn't a surprise and we didn't cook it up. It is his life and summer plans. ahhhhhhhhhhh.
oh well. it is what it is. and i have to try and be a better parent so that the kids know they have one stable, loving parent. and i need to get healthy because they need me. I always thought hell, if i die, they will have Missy. Now I don't think they would thrive.
I do feel sad because I always felt that my father never loved me or listened to me. And while I had my mother, I always felt the pain of not really having a loving father. And I feel sick that I have perpetuated that onto my kids. It doesn't make me feel better that they see the truth. It makes me sick.
I know she loves them but her love is conditional and not all encompassing and often selfish.
And so it goes.
It was about a woman who has a premature baby and then gets cancer and dies. Yeah. I know.
But I think I really needed a good cry. And it was more like wailing. Thank god I had the windows closed and the AC on because my neighbors already think I am a fruitcake.
And what was my main topic ... well it was basically my whole adult life and all the tremendous mistakes I have made and all the lost opportunities I didn't pursue. You know minor stuff like that.
What was weighing heavily on my mind though was the latest issue with Missy and the kids. I know kids are smart and they get stuff we may try to hide from them. But is just hurts me so deeply how they GET that Missy doesn't really parent them. She never has. And now that they are older the lack of being a mature parent affects them in other ways than just not checking to see that they wear a coat to school in winter.
Okay. What specifically am I talking about? Apparently Monday night was a bad night at that house. The kids had been playing soccer outside in the dark I guess a few nights before. They had broken some plants. You know I would be pissed too. But apparently this really ticked off Camille and it got ugly. Eli must have fought back a bit. He says Camille and Missy were ganging up on him. Call him a liar and stuff. Because the kids didn't tell them when it happened. He got very angry and raised his hand and said he felt like slapping Camille. Now Eli is big and Camille is tiny. I said that was not right but Eli says that the look Camille gave him was so full of hatred that he didn't think anyone had ever seen a look like that. Missy told him that he was not going to go on vacation with them and then had him answer a questionnaire about what he was feeling when this happened. It pisses him off that she is treating him like one of her clients at the juvenile detention center. They also said they would have him arrested if he hit Camille. All over plants!
Now I don't condone any of Eli's actions but it has hit a boiling point because Camille is nuts and Missy puts her before the kids. She doesn't treat them in a loving way. And both the kids say that Michel gets away with stuff that they get punished for.
Henry said he doesn't like Camille either. They both have said if it wasn't for Michel, they wouldn't want to be there anymore. But they also go back and forth on whether they even like Michel.
When Eli got home from school yesterday (I now have convinced her to let the kids come her afterschool even if it is her day and she picks them up) he said that Missy was now saying she wasn't going to pay for half of his band camp either. When I asked him about it he went through the whole thing about Monday night again. I asked him if he wanted me to ask Missy to come in when she came to pick them up and we could all talk and he said go ahead and try. I called her and she said no, she was taking care of it. I said well when I have problems with the kids I talk them over with you. But she refused.
I asked Eli if he wanted to stay here and he said well it would start a war so no, he would go there.
He also said how he doesn't understand why Missy puts this stranger that she has only known for three years before them. And also how he now realizes (and Henry has said this too.) that they don't buy it that Didier took Michel away from Camille for no reason and that it was probably because of how she acts. I said well I don't really know Camille and Eli said well you should. How could you let us live with a stranger and I said I didn't have any control over that.
That is one of the things that broke my heart and led to the breakdown last night. I still wonder if telling her to get out was the right thing to do. It ruined me financially. Not that she wasn't already doing that to us. I mean I couldn't take her borderline behavior anymore but now I have put the kids in a bad situation. Maybe it is better that they have here to come home to. If she was here, I would be more miserable than I am and we would be modeling an horrible relationship. I know I am a better parent than I was but I don't know what the answer is. I should have walked when Eli was born. But then I wouldn't have Henry and I can't imagine that.
It is just so hard to explain how she is. How she can turn anything into a problem.
Like this. Eli has a mandatory band camp meeting next Wed. which I knew about. He brought home a flyer that said the $300 was due then. So I gave Missy the flyer and a check for $150. She called me when she got home all incensed because it said deposit. And she wasn't getting into anything that cost more and how Eli and I cooked this up. I tried to tell her that I thought it was the total amount and then I said why don't you call the school tomorrow and ask? That is a perfect example of how she looks at parenting. He is HER kid too. And I had talked to her about this along with all the summer plans. It wasn't a surprise and we didn't cook it up. It is his life and summer plans. ahhhhhhhhhhh.
oh well. it is what it is. and i have to try and be a better parent so that the kids know they have one stable, loving parent. and i need to get healthy because they need me. I always thought hell, if i die, they will have Missy. Now I don't think they would thrive.
I do feel sad because I always felt that my father never loved me or listened to me. And while I had my mother, I always felt the pain of not really having a loving father. And I feel sick that I have perpetuated that onto my kids. It doesn't make me feel better that they see the truth. It makes me sick.
I know she loves them but her love is conditional and not all encompassing and often selfish.
And so it goes.
