andsoitgoestoo

I have been on a listserv for lesbian moms for oh about 8 years now. It is actually a misnomer, as it is for bi, wannabee, transgendered or queer moms.

I love it and hate it. I have learned so much from these various women. I have grown intellectually and emotionally. They were my literal lifeline when I decided to call it quits with Missy. And they just like any family got very frustrated with me when I couldn’t move on.

I have met transgendered people ... women who were errantly born men and vice versa. I met an incredibly wise and tortured intersex woman who died and one of the moms on the list took in her son. I have met a woman whose daughter died after less than a month but handled everything with such grace and courage, that I have learned exactly what grace and courage are.

I have met women who adopt children whose birth mother made grave mistakes due to addiction and whose children pay the price. And they do it without anger and from that that I have learned acceptance.

When I say met, it is mostly on the internet. I have met some in person. That has actually been odd. People are ... more of what they are online ... in person. That is sometimes good and sometimes bad. But it is nothing if not interesting.

I have also learned how to fix a playstation game, figure out what to make for dinner and learn to deal with the fact that I can’t see my teenager naked. You got a question about ... anything ... you ask the moms.

I have had fights with women whom I actually care deeply about. Also a few fights with women whom I think are evil. I have not until now been able to see that this shouldn’t be be any different than real life.

Recently, my sieve which usually has a rather wide weave, has had large holes in it. I have always had the problem of a big mouth. Saying things that I regret. However in cyberspace without the ability to see a face, hear a tone, this problem gets quite exacerbated.

It is a problem I have always had and always will. For the most part my openness and honesty and saying what I think has served me well. A few times it has caused me great grief. I have hurt people and it is one of those things that keep me up at night.

I feel so badly about this last episode on the Moms List that I haven’t even been able to go back and see what I said. Partly because I am afraid I will still think whatever I said, and since I was drummed off the list for being so horrible, this would confirm my darkest fears that I am indeed horrible. But those are my fears. Not being liked. Not being loved. Stuff I am looking at.

Ah well, now I am blogging. I was told I was using the list too much anyway so this is best. Of course I knew at least 20 or 30 people would read what I wrote. Now I have no idea.

I don’t know if I will ever go back to the list. I wasn’t exactly kicked off. There are issues regarding moderation. As much as I know I have said things that have gotten me in trouble, I also have been treated horribly and not been backed up by my so-called friends.

So, it feels like a death. No, not that dramatic. More like a relationship that ends before it is supposed to.

I know I don’t feel safe. Others say I made it that way for them. Probably both are true. Just like much of life. Nothing is black and white.

And so it goes ....