Tuesday, November 28, 2006
and the search begins?
I have dabbled over the years doing half-assed searches for my biological parents. It is not something I have put much time and effort into. But lately I have been thinking that my fears, specifically my fear of abandonment, is tied to the fact that I am an adoptee.
I have spent years defending myself against friends and acquaintances who think it odd that I had no desire to search. I always said Marge and Henry were enough thank you. But it isn't about that, is it? I have had security and love and yes, even acceptance. What more could I want? Well, maybe there is something to this ... just wanting to know the facts, the situation and more practically, my ethnicity and any health concerns.
So I went to adoption.com last week. I went to register myself and lo and behold I had already done that in 2005! I said I dabbled, right. There is an ad on the site for a search company. I filled out the info and figured no one would actually contact me. Well they did yesterday!
This woman, Dianne, was very nice. Not pushy at all and seemed very upfront. Of course the whole time I was waiting to hear ... how much but I let her do her sales spheel. After my recent attempts at sales, I have much more compassion for people who need to sell someone on a service or product.
So she starts out by telling me that the District of Columbia, which is what is on my birth certificate, is a sealed state (or whatever DC is). That mean the records are closed. There are 45 states that are sealed states.
She asks if I know what hospital I was born in. Apparently the key ingredient. Nope. I do know what agency was involved though. She says that if I didn't have that, she probably wouldn't take on the search. Funny everyone who has questioned why I hadn't searched all these years, I guess didn't know that it ain't easy.
Anyhoo, she says that most birth mothers are between the ages of 14 and 19. Having a maiden name is also helpful. Nope.
She counseled me that it can take up to a year. That while most people have not searched up until now, that once you decide to do it, you want answer immediately and it doesn't work that way.
She also says when they do find the birth mother (I guess mothers are easier than fathers) or a family member , they give me the identifying information. If I don't feel comfortable making the contact, they will do it, it is part of their service.
And then she tells me it is a flat fee because of how long it can take. $1500. I don't think that is too bad. I don't have it now of course but it is one step further.
And one I guess I will be ready to take. Diane was quizzical that I am 45 and never actively searched. I realize that my birth mother may be dead. However, I only have my personal experience to go by and that is that my parents are never going to die. At least that is what Troy says.
Honestly, I have always thought I would search once my parents were gone. I wrote my journalism thesis in college on adoption. I visited an agency, with people who were fighting to open records, and other people. I let my mom read it. To get an A (which I did), I put at the end that this reporter, an adoptee herself, had decided to search after getting all the info. Well that was 1983 and I still haven't. Partly because of how upset my mother got at reading that.
And I have also in the back of my mind worried that I was too fat or because I was a lesbian, that my biological parents would reject me. Remember how Carrie on ER found her bio mom who was a fundamentalist Christian and did just that? Weird how my deep seeded worry came up as a plotline.
So, I will see what I will do when funds become available. I have no idea how I will feel then.
And so it goes ...
I have spent years defending myself against friends and acquaintances who think it odd that I had no desire to search. I always said Marge and Henry were enough thank you. But it isn't about that, is it? I have had security and love and yes, even acceptance. What more could I want? Well, maybe there is something to this ... just wanting to know the facts, the situation and more practically, my ethnicity and any health concerns.
So I went to adoption.com last week. I went to register myself and lo and behold I had already done that in 2005! I said I dabbled, right. There is an ad on the site for a search company. I filled out the info and figured no one would actually contact me. Well they did yesterday!
This woman, Dianne, was very nice. Not pushy at all and seemed very upfront. Of course the whole time I was waiting to hear ... how much but I let her do her sales spheel. After my recent attempts at sales, I have much more compassion for people who need to sell someone on a service or product.
So she starts out by telling me that the District of Columbia, which is what is on my birth certificate, is a sealed state (or whatever DC is). That mean the records are closed. There are 45 states that are sealed states.
She asks if I know what hospital I was born in. Apparently the key ingredient. Nope. I do know what agency was involved though. She says that if I didn't have that, she probably wouldn't take on the search. Funny everyone who has questioned why I hadn't searched all these years, I guess didn't know that it ain't easy.
Anyhoo, she says that most birth mothers are between the ages of 14 and 19. Having a maiden name is also helpful. Nope.
She counseled me that it can take up to a year. That while most people have not searched up until now, that once you decide to do it, you want answer immediately and it doesn't work that way.
She also says when they do find the birth mother (I guess mothers are easier than fathers) or a family member , they give me the identifying information. If I don't feel comfortable making the contact, they will do it, it is part of their service.
And then she tells me it is a flat fee because of how long it can take. $1500. I don't think that is too bad. I don't have it now of course but it is one step further.
And one I guess I will be ready to take. Diane was quizzical that I am 45 and never actively searched. I realize that my birth mother may be dead. However, I only have my personal experience to go by and that is that my parents are never going to die. At least that is what Troy says.
Honestly, I have always thought I would search once my parents were gone. I wrote my journalism thesis in college on adoption. I visited an agency, with people who were fighting to open records, and other people. I let my mom read it. To get an A (which I did), I put at the end that this reporter, an adoptee herself, had decided to search after getting all the info. Well that was 1983 and I still haven't. Partly because of how upset my mother got at reading that.
And I have also in the back of my mind worried that I was too fat or because I was a lesbian, that my biological parents would reject me. Remember how Carrie on ER found her bio mom who was a fundamentalist Christian and did just that? Weird how my deep seeded worry came up as a plotline.
So, I will see what I will do when funds become available. I have no idea how I will feel then.
And so it goes ...
