Thursday, October 18, 2007
dear diary
So apparently this is my diary. Or the term everyone uses now ... a journal. You buy some fancy book with a nice cover and empty pages and give it to a friend as a present and say ... now you go journal girl. Thanks. What if I don't want to?
When I was growing up we all had this little boxy things with small pages. It said DIARY on the front and had a key and lock and you would hide it in your room. Now my kids put locks on their phones and passwords on their email. And I pay for them to have these things?
Anyhoo, diaries .... journals. These things are ancient history. Now we blog. And hope someone, anyone will read it. As my friend Troy points out, most are boring and some are downright awful. But getting ones thoughts down is not bad. And maybe putting out good stuff instead of complaining is even better. I am trying. Really. But my life isn't cooperating.
Someone made a lot of money a few years ago (and Oprah helped her) touting gratitude journals. Write down five things every day you are grateful for. So here goes.
#1 - I am grateful that I was able to go and shadow Henry today. He is failing. Again. Bright kid but my new thought ...he is not competent. He just can't do the things he is supposed to do. And to me they are not that hard. I am not that bright. At least the IQ test results I saw from high school confirmed that. But I am neurotic and I am a do bee. I figure out what the teachers require and I fulfill that. How hard is that?
Well apparently it is almost impossible for Henry. He spaces out when assignments are given. He doesn't take the time to look at examples that will help him complete his work. He gives up.
It breaks my heart. Once again he is failing. My latest effort was to shadow him today. I had been threatening for a while and I figured I need to follow through since this is something he needs modeled for him. ahem.
He really put up a stink including calling me ten times last night from Missy's saying he wouldnt' go to school if I was going to go. I could kill the guidance counselor who told him. Missy doesn't like her. I saw her today and she told me she teased him about it. Maybe she is a twit. I wasn't going to tell him, just show up.
#2 I am grateful that from what I observed today, yes, my son does indeed have ADHD but I am also glad he doesn't seem to have behavior problems. Yes, the teachers have him in the front row and cue him when he is clearly lost or not paying attention. He may space out. He may lose his pencil. But he is not rude. In his spanish class I couldnt' believe how rude some of the boys were. Neither his science or math class was like this. Maybe it is the teacher and they take advantage of her. Maybe it is because the class is in a trailer so no one from administration can hear. But I observed a kid Henry used to be friends with in Elementary school. He was obnoxious. He had to be moved. He had to spit out gum. I asked Henry later about him and I said I had thought he was going to private school. He is an only child. Both parents work. They can afford it. Henry says he didn't get in. Has he changed or is he angry because he let his parents down? I think their names are Muffy and Corny. I know. The writer in me always wants to know the story and the journalist wants to know the truth.
#3 I am grateful that I was reminded of how much I liked algebra. Well Henry is in pre-algebra but it seemed like all algebra, all the time to me. When I was in what was then called junior high the smart kids got to take algebra I in 8th grade. (second year of junior high for you youngsters.) I didn't originally get recommended for it but I made my mother make a stink because I wanted to be able to say I got in to Algebra I. She did. And the thing is I did fine. I liked it. For as creative as I like to think I am, I am actually very structured and linear in my thinking. It made sense. Geometry in 9th grade did not and I almost failed and that was my last math class ever.
But I did discover an issue with Henry and math. If he gets it, he gets it. He does it in his head. Well the teacher wants the kids (and Baltimore County requires) that kids are able to show their work. How they arrived at the answer. Quite frankly the first time I did it, I used division instead of algebraic methods too. But then I tried to do it showing MY work. As the teacher told us to do.
By the way. I have discovered that if I went back to school where stuff was on an overhead I would need glasses. Much of it I couldn;t see. sheesh! I knew I wasn't able to see dubbing on my TV in my bedroom and now this. cruel, cruel world.
#4 I am grateful that Henry's next class was family studies. While I was not happy that his interim said he had three disciplinary actions so far, I wasn't up to watching him sew or cook or whatever they are doing now. So I left.
But that was mainly because I wanted to get home and get ready to babysit my mother while my father went to get a bone scan. His urologist who follows his prostate cancer recovery (over 20 years ago), wanted him to get it because of his leg weakness.
I needed to move the kitchen TV into the family room that has no TV so she could watch it. I couldn't get the closed captioning to work so the TV volume was on 36 when I usually keep it on 20?
My father doesn't understand why I can't just work when my mom is there or they are coming and going and interrupting me. Or when the TV is blaring. He just doesn't get it.
#5 I am grateful that while this continuing sage of my parent's demise goes on, I am slowly learning a lot about myself and my capabilities and giving my father shit right back.
So tonight my father calls and says he got good news when they got back to Glen Meadows. There is something in his voice that tells me he is being sarcastic. He says their rent went up to 3,000 a month. How lucky they were to have one month at the lower rate of 2,700. I don't know what to say. I tell him well things go up and the cost of energy is going up.
For him everything is about money. It is how he feels he has control over life. It has always been that way. Any toy or big purchase that I did not utilize to his satisfaction, I had to hear about. Any courses I took ... ballet, art, etc. and did not continue were thrown in my face as a failure. I finished the course but didn't go on. Just wasn't my thing. Everything had a price tag.
So the last thing I need to do to complete their move is to clean out their storage unit at their apartment. We need to do it this weekend. What do to do about my mother? As he left today after picking her up, he said he guessed he needed to use the AT HOME services. Yep. That is what they are there for.
So his other good news is that those rates have been raised too. Now $26 an hour, $17 a half. So it would be at least $52 on Sunday. And they are double on holidays and we are not sure that means weekends.
I explain that that could both be in assisted living and that would be 11,000 a month. Does he want that? No, he is not giving them all his money. Well then crack open your wallet and pay for some services.
I said that hey, this is my inheritance you are spending but I want you to be safe and happy. He says, you think I am happy? I said, well do you want mom to just die so you don't have to deal with this. (all he does is complain about my mother) He says no, he should just die. I say, you are so childish. He says, yes I am.
He wants to just leave my mother in the car while we finish with the apartment. I said no. I just think that is a bad idea (he went to the apt yesterday to get the card table because his mission in life is to get her interested in something and now that is puzzles and he needed something to put the puzzle on. he said he only was there a minute because he was afraid she woudl get out of the car but he wants to be there a couple of hours? he doesn't think clearly anymore, clearly.)
I told him that he can't keep dragging her places. He said well I have friends there still you know and someone can be with her. I said, you are going to get her up the the steps to apartment? Okay. no. And then he mentioned Alice and Warren, two friends from church who still live in the area. I was friends with their daughter and while I always thought I had the oldest parents of anyone, she may have at least matched me or had me beat.
Well, they are according to my parents even worse off then them. Alice also has dementia and Warren can't drive anymore. Their daughter comes down from PA to do stuff for them. Actually my father asked me to call her to suggest that they might be interested in moving to Glen Meadows. I called. She never called back. Sad. We have a lot in common right now but I think many people are in denial about how bad their parents/grandparents are because they don't want to deal with it. Well that ain't me. Give me a problem. I want to fix it. Unfortunately some things can't be fixed. Like making my father happy.
He said tonight he wishes he never moved there. I said you have been telling me for a year you needed to make a change. I told him I know how hard this all is. But he has to stop focusing on all the negatives. There isn't much joy left. And what joy is there, he can't articulate. Last night he called to confirm today. They were heading for dinner and then staying up there for a show. That is fun! But it can't crack this veneer that is hiding the truth. That they are on their last legs. Literally. I wish their quality of life was better. I can only do what I can do.
Okay, I am grateful that they are there and not under my roof. But part of me thinks maybe I should have taken him up on his offer to pay me lots for them to live here. I just couldnt' do it. He is so hard to deal with and I don't want to put my kdis through that. I offered years ago and would have had an addition. They laughed in my face. So that ship sailed.
Just like modern medicine saves people who end up being vegetables, I wonder if all this healthcare is worth it. There is a whole economy running on these seniors who have good healthcare benefits and get every test in the book even if there is no clear evidence that it will help anything.
Monday my dad saw his urologist. Tuesday my mom saw her surgeon. Thursday my father got a bone scan. And Friday my mom is getting a doppler of her leg.
My father is still driving. I have no idea how/when that will end. He is 88. But if he stops. I become the driver.
I don't want them dead. I want them to be vibrant and enjoy their lives. They aren't. My mother's memory gets wore daily and my father is so unhappy. If they truly are Christians and believe in heaven, don't they think there is a better life on the other side?
About a month ago my father gave me clippings from the paper. All usually insults.
But there was one about assisted suicide. When I asked him about it he said he didn't remember putting it in.
I don't know. The quality of my life sucks now too. But I have too much to live for.
That is the point.
And when it isn't there?
And so it goes .... or not.
When I was growing up we all had this little boxy things with small pages. It said DIARY on the front and had a key and lock and you would hide it in your room. Now my kids put locks on their phones and passwords on their email. And I pay for them to have these things?
Anyhoo, diaries .... journals. These things are ancient history. Now we blog. And hope someone, anyone will read it. As my friend Troy points out, most are boring and some are downright awful. But getting ones thoughts down is not bad. And maybe putting out good stuff instead of complaining is even better. I am trying. Really. But my life isn't cooperating.
Someone made a lot of money a few years ago (and Oprah helped her) touting gratitude journals. Write down five things every day you are grateful for. So here goes.
#1 - I am grateful that I was able to go and shadow Henry today. He is failing. Again. Bright kid but my new thought ...he is not competent. He just can't do the things he is supposed to do. And to me they are not that hard. I am not that bright. At least the IQ test results I saw from high school confirmed that. But I am neurotic and I am a do bee. I figure out what the teachers require and I fulfill that. How hard is that?
Well apparently it is almost impossible for Henry. He spaces out when assignments are given. He doesn't take the time to look at examples that will help him complete his work. He gives up.
It breaks my heart. Once again he is failing. My latest effort was to shadow him today. I had been threatening for a while and I figured I need to follow through since this is something he needs modeled for him. ahem.
He really put up a stink including calling me ten times last night from Missy's saying he wouldnt' go to school if I was going to go. I could kill the guidance counselor who told him. Missy doesn't like her. I saw her today and she told me she teased him about it. Maybe she is a twit. I wasn't going to tell him, just show up.
#2 I am grateful that from what I observed today, yes, my son does indeed have ADHD but I am also glad he doesn't seem to have behavior problems. Yes, the teachers have him in the front row and cue him when he is clearly lost or not paying attention. He may space out. He may lose his pencil. But he is not rude. In his spanish class I couldnt' believe how rude some of the boys were. Neither his science or math class was like this. Maybe it is the teacher and they take advantage of her. Maybe it is because the class is in a trailer so no one from administration can hear. But I observed a kid Henry used to be friends with in Elementary school. He was obnoxious. He had to be moved. He had to spit out gum. I asked Henry later about him and I said I had thought he was going to private school. He is an only child. Both parents work. They can afford it. Henry says he didn't get in. Has he changed or is he angry because he let his parents down? I think their names are Muffy and Corny. I know. The writer in me always wants to know the story and the journalist wants to know the truth.
#3 I am grateful that I was reminded of how much I liked algebra. Well Henry is in pre-algebra but it seemed like all algebra, all the time to me. When I was in what was then called junior high the smart kids got to take algebra I in 8th grade. (second year of junior high for you youngsters.) I didn't originally get recommended for it but I made my mother make a stink because I wanted to be able to say I got in to Algebra I. She did. And the thing is I did fine. I liked it. For as creative as I like to think I am, I am actually very structured and linear in my thinking. It made sense. Geometry in 9th grade did not and I almost failed and that was my last math class ever.
But I did discover an issue with Henry and math. If he gets it, he gets it. He does it in his head. Well the teacher wants the kids (and Baltimore County requires) that kids are able to show their work. How they arrived at the answer. Quite frankly the first time I did it, I used division instead of algebraic methods too. But then I tried to do it showing MY work. As the teacher told us to do.
By the way. I have discovered that if I went back to school where stuff was on an overhead I would need glasses. Much of it I couldn;t see. sheesh! I knew I wasn't able to see dubbing on my TV in my bedroom and now this. cruel, cruel world.
#4 I am grateful that Henry's next class was family studies. While I was not happy that his interim said he had three disciplinary actions so far, I wasn't up to watching him sew or cook or whatever they are doing now. So I left.
But that was mainly because I wanted to get home and get ready to babysit my mother while my father went to get a bone scan. His urologist who follows his prostate cancer recovery (over 20 years ago), wanted him to get it because of his leg weakness.
I needed to move the kitchen TV into the family room that has no TV so she could watch it. I couldn't get the closed captioning to work so the TV volume was on 36 when I usually keep it on 20?
My father doesn't understand why I can't just work when my mom is there or they are coming and going and interrupting me. Or when the TV is blaring. He just doesn't get it.
#5 I am grateful that while this continuing sage of my parent's demise goes on, I am slowly learning a lot about myself and my capabilities and giving my father shit right back.
So tonight my father calls and says he got good news when they got back to Glen Meadows. There is something in his voice that tells me he is being sarcastic. He says their rent went up to 3,000 a month. How lucky they were to have one month at the lower rate of 2,700. I don't know what to say. I tell him well things go up and the cost of energy is going up.
For him everything is about money. It is how he feels he has control over life. It has always been that way. Any toy or big purchase that I did not utilize to his satisfaction, I had to hear about. Any courses I took ... ballet, art, etc. and did not continue were thrown in my face as a failure. I finished the course but didn't go on. Just wasn't my thing. Everything had a price tag.
So the last thing I need to do to complete their move is to clean out their storage unit at their apartment. We need to do it this weekend. What do to do about my mother? As he left today after picking her up, he said he guessed he needed to use the AT HOME services. Yep. That is what they are there for.
So his other good news is that those rates have been raised too. Now $26 an hour, $17 a half. So it would be at least $52 on Sunday. And they are double on holidays and we are not sure that means weekends.
I explain that that could both be in assisted living and that would be 11,000 a month. Does he want that? No, he is not giving them all his money. Well then crack open your wallet and pay for some services.
I said that hey, this is my inheritance you are spending but I want you to be safe and happy. He says, you think I am happy? I said, well do you want mom to just die so you don't have to deal with this. (all he does is complain about my mother) He says no, he should just die. I say, you are so childish. He says, yes I am.
He wants to just leave my mother in the car while we finish with the apartment. I said no. I just think that is a bad idea (he went to the apt yesterday to get the card table because his mission in life is to get her interested in something and now that is puzzles and he needed something to put the puzzle on. he said he only was there a minute because he was afraid she woudl get out of the car but he wants to be there a couple of hours? he doesn't think clearly anymore, clearly.)
I told him that he can't keep dragging her places. He said well I have friends there still you know and someone can be with her. I said, you are going to get her up the the steps to apartment? Okay. no. And then he mentioned Alice and Warren, two friends from church who still live in the area. I was friends with their daughter and while I always thought I had the oldest parents of anyone, she may have at least matched me or had me beat.
Well, they are according to my parents even worse off then them. Alice also has dementia and Warren can't drive anymore. Their daughter comes down from PA to do stuff for them. Actually my father asked me to call her to suggest that they might be interested in moving to Glen Meadows. I called. She never called back. Sad. We have a lot in common right now but I think many people are in denial about how bad their parents/grandparents are because they don't want to deal with it. Well that ain't me. Give me a problem. I want to fix it. Unfortunately some things can't be fixed. Like making my father happy.
He said tonight he wishes he never moved there. I said you have been telling me for a year you needed to make a change. I told him I know how hard this all is. But he has to stop focusing on all the negatives. There isn't much joy left. And what joy is there, he can't articulate. Last night he called to confirm today. They were heading for dinner and then staying up there for a show. That is fun! But it can't crack this veneer that is hiding the truth. That they are on their last legs. Literally. I wish their quality of life was better. I can only do what I can do.
Okay, I am grateful that they are there and not under my roof. But part of me thinks maybe I should have taken him up on his offer to pay me lots for them to live here. I just couldnt' do it. He is so hard to deal with and I don't want to put my kdis through that. I offered years ago and would have had an addition. They laughed in my face. So that ship sailed.
Just like modern medicine saves people who end up being vegetables, I wonder if all this healthcare is worth it. There is a whole economy running on these seniors who have good healthcare benefits and get every test in the book even if there is no clear evidence that it will help anything.
Monday my dad saw his urologist. Tuesday my mom saw her surgeon. Thursday my father got a bone scan. And Friday my mom is getting a doppler of her leg.
My father is still driving. I have no idea how/when that will end. He is 88. But if he stops. I become the driver.
I don't want them dead. I want them to be vibrant and enjoy their lives. They aren't. My mother's memory gets wore daily and my father is so unhappy. If they truly are Christians and believe in heaven, don't they think there is a better life on the other side?
About a month ago my father gave me clippings from the paper. All usually insults.
But there was one about assisted suicide. When I asked him about it he said he didn't remember putting it in.
I don't know. The quality of my life sucks now too. But I have too much to live for.
That is the point.
And when it isn't there?
And so it goes .... or not.
