Monday, August 27, 2007
an aha moment
Earlier I was in the basement doing laundry and had a real aha moment.
Today when I sat my father down to basically tell him I am taking over (see another blog) he seemed very relieved.
But he was able to get his digs in a few times including some ornament my mother had given me, I broke (or the kids, I don't remember), I had it on the workbench in my basement to glue but never go to it, my parents took it back, fixed it and kept it. He asked if I had taken and I said yes. And then proceeded to deflate me about how I break things, don't fix them and leave them to get dusty in the basement.
Oh, I am so bad. Of course at the time I was dealing with a psycho partner who did nothing around the house and had two kids and work to contend with ... which they knew and pointed out repeatedly about how hard my life was. But still ... bad on me.
Anyhoo, I looked around the basement tonight which I tried to organize before my surgery in case ... you know ... I didn't make it and others would have to clean it out and my only solace was knowing someone would say ... boy, was she organized.
And then I realized that all these years when I would clean up before my parents came ... just in the hope I would get some sort of ... compliment. No. It was an anxiety-ridden response just hoping I wouldn't get a criticism. May seem like a small revelation but to me it felt big.
How long will I search for parental approval? Well it is mostly gone and my friend Troy tells me I need to respond to my father the same way I do with my mother and realize he is not all there anymore either.
But when someone who never, ever said good job regarding anything can still make you feel like crap ... it still makes you feel like crap.
And so it goes.
- Susan
Today when I sat my father down to basically tell him I am taking over (see another blog) he seemed very relieved.
But he was able to get his digs in a few times including some ornament my mother had given me, I broke (or the kids, I don't remember), I had it on the workbench in my basement to glue but never go to it, my parents took it back, fixed it and kept it. He asked if I had taken and I said yes. And then proceeded to deflate me about how I break things, don't fix them and leave them to get dusty in the basement.
Oh, I am so bad. Of course at the time I was dealing with a psycho partner who did nothing around the house and had two kids and work to contend with ... which they knew and pointed out repeatedly about how hard my life was. But still ... bad on me.
Anyhoo, I looked around the basement tonight which I tried to organize before my surgery in case ... you know ... I didn't make it and others would have to clean it out and my only solace was knowing someone would say ... boy, was she organized.
And then I realized that all these years when I would clean up before my parents came ... just in the hope I would get some sort of ... compliment. No. It was an anxiety-ridden response just hoping I wouldn't get a criticism. May seem like a small revelation but to me it felt big.
How long will I search for parental approval? Well it is mostly gone and my friend Troy tells me I need to respond to my father the same way I do with my mother and realize he is not all there anymore either.
But when someone who never, ever said good job regarding anything can still make you feel like crap ... it still makes you feel like crap.
And so it goes.
- Susan
