Sunday, July 29, 2007
fertility
Just sitting here in bed with my new laptop that I got because I want to try and work as soon as possible after the surgery but sitting in that unforgiving chair in my office seems like ... not something I will want to do.
I haven't voiced my more darker thoughts since all this Big C stuff because, well, it wasn't well formed in my head. But yesterday I did so much I am exhausted and just can't get out of bed.
Yes, I am glad after tomorrow I will not have any more periods, no more lengthy bleeding episodes but it does feel weird to know I can never get pregnant.
Now don't get me wrong. First of all there wouldn't be any ... oops pregnancies. Unless I was raped of course. (sorry my darker side is front and center)
But let's just say I met some wonderful semi-butchy dyke who wanted a kid but didn't want to birth it. I LOVED having my kids. I am proud that I did both naturally with no meds. Not that I judge anyone else ... it was just what I wanted and what I did. Although looking back Henry should have been a c-section. As I tell him ... he ripped me from here to there. (that is as graphic as they can take.)
And I did it well. (of course except for the blood disorder that Henry got because me and his donor has some rare as fuck recessive gene ... which I still feel guilty about.)
Oh well. I am sure this is the same feeling one has with normal menopause. But when I was going through that I felt like ... yay ... and it felt natural.
This doesn't feel natural and it surely isn't fair.
Can you tell I am getting a bit emotional?
Oh well I need to finish organizing the house so if I stop breathing tomorrow whoever gets to clean out this house will say ... boy was she organized. Trust me. This makes me happy.
I hear Michael downstairs making what I guess is breakfast. He is slow and he doesn't clean up after himself but you know what ... today he will! Cuz I have laundry to do and bills to pay and plants to water and kids to hug and I still have to decide what my last meal tonight will be since I can't eat after midnight. I bought a seafood medley at Trader Joe's but Michael said I can't put the calamari in with the rest of it. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And I really wanted to live with him?
And so it goes.
Susan
I haven't voiced my more darker thoughts since all this Big C stuff because, well, it wasn't well formed in my head. But yesterday I did so much I am exhausted and just can't get out of bed.
Yes, I am glad after tomorrow I will not have any more periods, no more lengthy bleeding episodes but it does feel weird to know I can never get pregnant.
Now don't get me wrong. First of all there wouldn't be any ... oops pregnancies. Unless I was raped of course. (sorry my darker side is front and center)
But let's just say I met some wonderful semi-butchy dyke who wanted a kid but didn't want to birth it. I LOVED having my kids. I am proud that I did both naturally with no meds. Not that I judge anyone else ... it was just what I wanted and what I did. Although looking back Henry should have been a c-section. As I tell him ... he ripped me from here to there. (that is as graphic as they can take.)
And I did it well. (of course except for the blood disorder that Henry got because me and his donor has some rare as fuck recessive gene ... which I still feel guilty about.)
Oh well. I am sure this is the same feeling one has with normal menopause. But when I was going through that I felt like ... yay ... and it felt natural.
This doesn't feel natural and it surely isn't fair.
Can you tell I am getting a bit emotional?
Oh well I need to finish organizing the house so if I stop breathing tomorrow whoever gets to clean out this house will say ... boy was she organized. Trust me. This makes me happy.
I hear Michael downstairs making what I guess is breakfast. He is slow and he doesn't clean up after himself but you know what ... today he will! Cuz I have laundry to do and bills to pay and plants to water and kids to hug and I still have to decide what my last meal tonight will be since I can't eat after midnight. I bought a seafood medley at Trader Joe's but Michael said I can't put the calamari in with the rest of it. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And I really wanted to live with him?
And so it goes.
Susan
